Fly Aeroplane Fly ~

It seems like i only blog whenever i feel surging emotions. Blogging was the furthest thing from my mind the previous few weeks, maybe cos life's been rather monotone. I spent at least half the sem break slacking away, occasionally doing my fyp n spending a miserable day trying to catch up with my work in nus with eugene n yvonne. But horror awaits me at the start of sch - M460 project due on sat. gulp! = Really din put in too much effort in mastering ANSYS, cos always relying on vivian. Wasted 2 days of shit n stress trying to churn out a fucking report. N after that, a greater terror looms - FYP first draft. gulp! gulp! = Its amazing i still find time to blog now with the imminent deadline exactly 1 week away. I'm even thinking of going home later to watch the Lakers vs Mavericks match later at 1130am.

Ok wait, so where m I now? N how has the first line of my blog deviate to talking abt sch work? Since when has sch work ever given me any surges of emotions? haha. Ok, now for the facts: i'm in sch currently and the time is 9:58am and its a saturday. Normally I dun even go sch on fri, so y m i in sch on a sat??? A lot of question marks encircling ur head now? hehe. Well, someone flew my aeroplane again. Hmm... so what's new? It's the 3rd time already, n i'm keeping count. How many times must I kena put aeroplane by her? So m i pissed abt it? I dunno what i'm feeling now too, partial disappointment n partial relief. I've a urge to give her a piece of my mind, but then again, just forget abt it. Not say i dunno her pattern, but then, she shd exercise some responsibilties over what she said rite? But either way, i would have to come sch today, or so I tot.

Got a M460 project to hand in rite? Yeah, rite n wrong! Now, on to complaining abt sth else. I wana screw all the NTU admin personnel. I was in sch on fri in the evening to hand in the project, reach CAD/CAM lab at exactly 5:25pm. The buggers there actually lights off and lab locked already. N its supposed to close at 5:30pm. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm gonna kill all those buggers. Worse still, i gong gong think i can go n hand in today, but the lab's not open on a sat ~ So effectively speaking, i've just come to sch for nothing today. Well, what good fortune i have. Maybe I can round it off by meeting some hot babe in sch today. At least makes my time in sch worthwhile yeah? haha. I wish....

Some new interesting happenings in my online life recently. Well, of coz there r closures to other stories also, interesting characters like irene and ebby. Recently came across a frenster profile by the name of madeleine, and the photos she displayed r actually photos of irene n ebby that they have shown me. As in they r the same person. I noticed the uncanny resemblance the first time they showed me too, so now just proves the point that someone's faking it. I met irene online just yest, n she vehemently denies any faking. I'm not really bother who's faking who, since its just online frens at the end of the day. If u see me online, i'll chat with u, that's all. Well, welcome to the virtual world. Hmm.... so whats the interesting thing i'm talking abt? There's this new interesting gal, who's abt as elusive as ebby n irene. Only concrete thing which she reveals that i can check up on is that she works at a particular shop in heeran. Well, was telling her I might go down n check her out today, but guess depends on my mood later in the day.

Sometimes I wonder y m i nv romantically involved with the gals that r ard me? And saying that I have many gals ard me is an understatement even. The closest that i've ever gotten involved with someone in ntu is probably michelle or vivian, or maybe shiyi back in days of yr 1 n 2. Somehow I seemed to subconsciously seperate my uni life into 2 phases. Pre - huimin phase and post - huimin phase. It seems I became another person after our 2nd stint together. Now i seldom see michelle in sch, still been seeing vivian as often if not more, n mostly been seeing khim n chris cos always hanging in the lib after sch to do work. N what do all have them have in common? boyfriends. I guess that answers the qn I post on the first sentence of this paragraph.
Sth that I've always been reluctant to do, is to go after a gal who has a bf. Too much effort needed for results that has a high percentage of not going in my favor. Well, so how come other fuckers can snatch my gf in uni? Fuck again.

I think I've almost regain my neutrality in life, where i'm not constantly having someone on my mind. Maybe still have a soft spot for her somewhere deep inside. If not, what's stopping me from blowing my top everytime she puts my plane? Well, anyway, I find that it's in this kind of state of neutrality that I've been my most attractive. Love comes ur way when u least expects it. It's been proven true b4, so let's see it happen again now.

What To Blog.....

Hmmm...... not really in the blogging mood for the past many days. Why??? Maybe cos of the lack of things to talk abt, mainly the lack of any gal problems i would say. So is that a good or bad thing? Seriously i dun mind things the way it is now. No one in mind, but i'm actually happy. Just hanging out with my mates. Seems like the BC is offcially back in business again (not that it was ever gone with Jon in there). Princess n me are no more, Eugene n Lorraine r pretty far apart too, and now Lewis n April seems not too not in too good a state, judging by Lewis' state in recent days.

Excellent start of the yr I would say. hahaha. Well, at least now that we're all back to zero, it can be a new start too. Though i'm sure the both of them would rather hold on, but think i'll be moving in the alternate direction. I'm moving ahead, full of hope for the new yr. This yr will be a yr of change too, stepping into a different society. Finally leaving behind the sheltered school life that I've been living in for the past 14 years.

I saw Irene's pic on another gal's frenster profile. Her name was Madeleine. This shd put an end to the ebby n irene saga. They nv were real, imposters. No wonder it's been ages since i saw them online. But whoever's behind this really gotta be too free, to actually impersonate 2 person while chatting with me. That's it, i'm no longing trusting any online personnel.

Have been taking peeks at the infamous xiaxue blogspot recently. She makes a pretty darn good blogger too, with the ever interesting sex topics which she can blatantly talk abt.

1 Present = 1 Point ?

Eugene told me abt this theory recently. That no matter how much ur gift cost, u will score only 1 point with the gal. So for any occasion, whether u give a waist-height mashimaro, a cheapskate harry potter owl hedwig, a pathetic tatty teddy bear in a box, or a ice-cream stick hse, u r still gonna score only 1 point for that occasion. Sounds like a good theory to follow rite? haha. Well, this is for all the cheapskates out there. (me included, haha)

Today is Valentine's Day. I restrained myself from doing anything for anybody. Dun ask me what's the point, it's just sth I wana do for this yr's v-day. Self-restraint. To not get myself involved with anyone for the time being. But the ever-romantic (or rather carrot-like) romeo in me always try to induce me to part with some money to invest in some surprises for someone who wun bother with me.

(Note : these r the ideas I have in mind at first, but by the time that i'm writing this means the times have already pass for any of it to take place. So its all fictitous. Occurs in my tots only)

The first idea was to send flowers to her place, i've got her address anyway. Then while at lot 1 with lewis last nite, I saw Phantom Of The Opera OST, n tot of buying it for her or for myself even so that I can burn the songs for her. We had a talk the other nite, on the phone this time. It's been a while since I heard her voice. Somehow i'm not as fluid as I used to be when talking to her this time. She has moved on long ago, n there r new guys in her life already. It's really hard to appear nonchalent abt it as we chat, hard to hide the tinge of disappointment. I think she sensed it as well, as our phonecall ended not long after that.

The immediate feeling is of coz fucked-up. But as I tried to gather the anger and bitterness within me, I found that I couldn't do it. I actually felt happier to give her my blessings, to wish her to find her happiness again somewhere, to see her finally undo the knot in her mind. This is sth which I found very hard to do in the past, to give my blessings. So maybe there is some truth in the saying that if u love someone, u only want them to be happy. Right now I only want to see her overcome her knot in her heart. A quote from adeline's frenster profile, "You being to accept your defeats with your heads up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child." I would like to say this to everyone else in the world who facing any setbacks in their lives too. I think I've grown again.

Eugene just called. To summarise, we r in the same boat again. Welcome to the club! We've just renewed our memebership with the BC.(Bachelors' Club) Several times we tried to tender our resignation but it seems we r so invaluable to the club that they refuse to let us withdraw. So we'll just have to keep jon company for a while more. (btw, jon's a lifetime member =P) Anyway, tonite's the make-or-break nite for lewis also. Somehow I think he'll succeed. 1 less member for the BC. =)

Chinese New Yr

Start of a new yr, at least according to the lunar calender. The time of the yr where u r suppose to make new yr resolutions. The time of the yr where u r supposed to go bai nian, see ur relatives whom u only see once a yr yet still have the cheek to take angbao from, and listen to them marvel at how much u have grown, as if u r still growing any taller for the past donkey yrs.

Well, at least I was happy this CNY. I recall vividly the past CNY. I spent the whole day sms-ing min, persuading her to come back to me. It was a lousy feeling. Really lousy. No way m i ever going to feel that way again. Moping the days away when everyone else r enjoying the festive season. I spent the most part of the day sleeping at grandma's place anyway. Woke up groggily and still made my way to Zouk after that. Joined eugene and his group of frens from US. Zouk was alrite, packed as usual, playing the usual retro mix. Unfortunately someone had to suggest Phuture. Had another of those nites where we trooped from Zouk to Phuture n Phuture to Zouk countless times. What's it all for anyway? Phuture sucks to high heavens. Had my fair share of drinking, Lamborghini, Sex on the Beach, some Sour Apple shit, n of coz my fave Gin Tonic!!! haha

The clubbing outing with weiling came to naught again. I wasn't very upset abt it actually, in fact I wasn't upset at all. Maybe just a tad disappointed. Cos I expected it to not happen anyway. The lesser the expectation, the gentler ur fall. True of coz. I've come to expect this from weilingsss. 'Nothing's ever confirm until she's physically standing in front of me.' Well, michelle kind of one-up her, the time she go clubbing with me but join other guy frens there instead. Though she nv put my plane b4, but what she did was still quite ultimate. Really piss me to the limit that time, haha. (Dun kill me if u happen to read this michi, =p)

I sense my weird luck at work again. Been running into a lot of pple the past week. Met xinyi at cineleisure when I was hanging out with eugene. The next day I saw gillian at Westmall when I was kopi-ing with hui. Then subsequently saw adeline when I was shopping at Suntec with vivi.
Too much of a coincidence? Just me n my luck. V-day approaching. Time to reclaim the rest of europe from the german army. Oops, that's D-day. =p pple asking me if i'm gonna chu any pattern, I have no ans to that myself.

Taken For Granted?

Am I always so nice to gals that I ended up being taken for granted? In a sense, yes. Maybe it can be attributed to my own chee hong ways, being especially nice to gals whom i'm hong-ing in the beginning when I just knew them. It's pretty amazing to look back n see how my companions in my uni life r 90% gals. I've been eating lunch with gals for the past few yrs in uni. I remember there was a moment in time when I was always helping frens (read as : gals) buy, print, photocopy, or source for notes. Whenever any gals asked for anything, i'll somehow reach out to all my sources and get a copy of it. Especially when the gal in question is j****.

Till a moment in time, it became like i'll only be contacted when assistance is needed. Not that I mind helping them source for stuffs they need, but sometimes I wonder if my efforts' appreciated. Maybe it has become like a norm to them ; Need something? Look for andy ; this kind of thing. That was during yr 2, where I got to know 4 babes in 1 sem. My 4 belles of MPE j****, c********, v*****, & m*******. =P Well, some of them have now been elevated to good frens status with me already, so there isnt really any feelings of exploitation. But still I wonder, is it worth it to be the nice guy? Nice guys finish last. They nv get the gals. As is evident in this case.

Feeling lousy for the past week. The events this weekend din help much. Last sat she told me she wanted to watch Phantom. I told her we could make it in time that nite if we took cab, which I dun mind. She said she'll think abt it, but din get back to me in the end. I asked her abt it again on tue n again I din get a reply. Till wed nite after the show's last screening, she told me she caught it on tue when I asked her abt it. Taken for granted? Yeah, big time. But then again, I'm not anyone significant to her fro her to have a resposibility towards either. What to do? Suck thumb, n tell myself not to be such a fool next time.

Kinda got played out by someone else today too, when I ask her whether if she wants to meet up for a drink. She said yeah, n would confirm with me later, but that's the last I heard from her the whole day. So what is this again? Just my luck. I dun wana spent CNY moping like what I did last year. Actually for the previous yrs, I've always spent CNY with a longing for someone in mind at that time. It was min in 2001, gillian in 2002, jiani in 2003 & min again in 2004. Let me spend CNY this year in peace.

Integrating Interest With Work?

Was chatting with a fren abt this topic which I found quite interesting as I gave it more tot. Pple always say that having the chance to work in a field where ur interest lies is the best kind of job. I gave it some tot, n shortlisted what my interest can get me as a job.

1) I can be a basketball player.

2) I can be a video game tester. (Play games all day, sounds like good? keke)

3) I can be a car/bike racer. (This stems from the fact that i like driving n riding) I guess u could say I can be a chaffeur as well then.

4) I can be a singer/actor. (I think nobody knows this but I've always wanted to perform)

5) I can be a Sentosa beach patroller. (Just an excuse to be a beach bum)

6) I can be a gigolo. (it's obvious what I like here rite? haha)

7) I can be an archealogist/paleontologist. (I feel like an old geek here)

8) I can be a historian.

9) I can be a movie/book critic.

10) I can be a pool player or bowler.

11) I can be a wrestler. (In Singapore????)

12) I can be a club/pub manager. (Since I like nite life so much)

13) I can be a police. (Somehow, Lewis & Eugene got this idea from somewhere that my childhood ambition is to be a policeman)

14) I can be a soldier. (War movies always touched me in some ways)

15) I can be a psychologist. (I can read pple's mind =P)

16) I can be a short dist runner. (Nobody's gonna believe this but my event is 100m. Think will have to shed some weight first, though in my heart I always believe I can still do it. haha)

17) I can be a food tester.

18) I can be a cartoonist. (Drawing's not really my field here, just that at a moment in time was inspired to draw, after watching Titanic)

19) I can be a physicist. (Think all the Michael Crichton books have gotten to me)

20) I can be a ship's captain. (This is the ideal job for me after doing a test which matches ur personality traits with ur job scope. Don't ask me why)

As u would probably realise, this list is crap. Unless i'm a dreamer, I dun see myself being any of the above. 4 yrs in NTU really change my thinking a lot, in ways that I din even realise. It made me a really practical person now, no longer the dreamer I was when I was younger. So what will be the most likely job for me?

21) Engineer.

Fading Memories

I am happy recently. Is it because of her? Cos we've been talking again. Actually, our 2 week relationship is already starting to blur in my mind. Time really washes away everything, whether u want it to or not. But I guess I did want time to heal me that time, well, u've got to want to get well in order to get well right? As i always said..... I suddenly tot of sth I said to eugene in ages past. "Y do I have to suffer for 1 yr for that few weeks of happiness we had together?" That was really long ago. JC 2. I guess I din want to suffer this kind of self-despair anymore this time.

Going.... going.... but nv gone. I guess this will be the way for me, for the time being at least. I woke early today, was fidgeting with my exoskeleton on Solidworks when Shania Twain's You've Got A Way suddenly blared from my WinAmp. Suddenly I can feel memories floating back into my head, scenes from that nite. How she lay in my arms, how I held her and kiss her when this song was playing. "I too lost in you". Does she mean me? Or was it refering to him?

Rod Stewart

Heard this song on Gold 90 the other day which caught my heart. Its a number by rod stewart. The DJ said sth funny abt him, "Every time I hear him sing, I have an irresistible urge to clear my throat'.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

I can tell by your eyes that you've probably been crying forever

And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you, they're a mirror

I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart

If I stay here just a little bit longer

If I stay here won't you listen to my heart, whoa heart

If I stand all alone will the shadow hide the color of my heart

Blue for the tears, black for the night's fears

The star in the sky they don't mean nothing to you, they're a mirror

I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart

If I stay here just a little bit longer

If I stay here won't you listen to my heart, whoa heart

I don't want to talk about it how you broke this old heart

If I stay here just a little bit longer

If I stay here won't you listen to my heart, whoa heart

My heart, whoa heart

Painting The Town Red Again

I guess the 3rd installment of "andy's guide to getting over someone" will have to be delayed. Not in the kind of mood to discuss getting over someone this few weeks. Maybe cos I've been going out a lot more since eugene came back, interacting with more pple, n it generally puts me in a happier mood.

I went clubbing with eugene & weian on thur at chinablack. Some NUS bash going on. Weian actually introduced us to some of his gal frens. haha. Unfortunately I spoiled the nite as I KO pretty soon. Dunno who's bright idea it was to bring vodka n drink b4 we went inside. We downed the vodka with sprite at the Mac outside b4 we went back in. Actually I was still feeling pretty fine when we were inside waiting for weian who got stuck in the re-entry queue. Still fine when weian went to get dunno how many jugs for the grp. Still fine when we went downstairs n stood on the edge of the dancefloor. It was when they started to move inside the crowd into the dancefloor that I start to blur. Suddenly I couldn't see them in front of me anywhere. I had to get eugene to bring me out of the dancefloor and we eventually ended up outside chinablack with me puking my guts out. I was still consciously aware of what i'm doing n even tot of going back in again. But sometimes the mind is willing but the body is weak. =( So no choice but for eugene to see me home. What a ending to a good nite's out. I've nv drink till I puke so badly b4, not since the SOC chalet lah... haha.

Miraculously, I din wake with a splitting headache the next day. keke. We went Party World at Orchard the next day, with wensong, joey, cuixia, shuling, fengmin n her.... eh.... fren. Met up for dinner with the gang for dinner after that, lewis, jon & shuling. Hui supposed to join us too but couldn't make it in the end when we changed the venue.

I always do stupid things when I drink. In 2001, I called weiling after drinking at black. In 2002, I went up to gillian at zouk n told her how much I liked her. This time I did sth silly again. I sms princess n told her I missed her terribly. Like how she used to say she miss me. I din expect her to reply, but she did. She was surprised that I msg her sth like that, that she even asked if I got the rite number.

Andy's Guide To Getting Over Someone (Part 2)

Ok, here's the real deal. I'll summarise my guide in 3 main pts.

1. Out of sight, out of mind.
2. Mind over matter
3. Time heals all wounds

4. (optional) Get someone new

Out of sight, out of mind.
I personally employed this method in the incident with Miss G. (all identities r classified to lessen embarrasment for myself) There r 2 scenarios to this. Scenario 1, u get to see the gal everyday or on a regular basis, inevitably. May be due to same sch, same workplace, etc. Scenario 2, u dun get to see the gal at all unless its thru intentional means. Eg: u have to ask her out, or u r stalking her, etc. Scenario 1 would be a more sticky situation. My advice is to avoid her at all cost. I repeat, VERY intentional avoiding.

If u know she will be in place A, then u better go to place B.
If u know she will be at place A n u r suppose to be at place A, dun go.
If u r at place A n u happen to see her at place A, pretend u did not see her n leave place A fast.
If u r at place A n u happen to see her at place A n she knows u have seen her, do not acknowledge her. leave place A after that.

This might seem like the cowards' way out. But if it works, i do not care whether u call me a coward or a wimp or a yellow-bellied duck-billed platypus.

On to scenario 2. If u r in scenario 2, u r pretty much in a LPPL situation. In this age of modern technology, seeing someone is not the only way u can communicate with her. Other ways of communication include hp, sms, online, psychic telepathy, etc.

If u need to ask her out in order to see her, then simply dun ask her out.
If u r stalking her, go play Metal Gear Solid 3 instead. It's much more interesting.
Do not attempt to communicate with her via any non verbal forms of communication like sms, msn, icq, irc.

Self restraint is the key here. I remember I was studying in nus with eugene that time, on the 2nd storey of the computing block, when was Miss G walking pass below on her way home. My first impulse is to pick up my hp n sms her. As my hand reach out for the hp, it stopped in midair, n i asked myself "what good will it do if I told her I'm here?". It wun make any difference at all. Just like the "how have u been?" or "how r u recently?" or anything along this line msgs that u've been wanting to send her. It wun make any difference. period.

To be continued...

Andy's Guide To Getting Over Someone (Part 1)

"How To Mend A Broken Heart". That was the title of the book that min was reading when we just broke up. I went back to Sig Park to collect my things, n i saw the book lying by the the bedside table. I picked it up n the title gave me a shock. It broke my heart to see her reading sth like this. Regrets. Y din i apologise to her and make everything fine back then, when obviously she still meant so much to me. Ok, on to the main topic for today:

Andy's Guide To Getting Over Someone

Step 1 : Give urself a slap in the face and tell urself to wake up ur idea. (If u can't do the slapping part, get a fren to do it for u)

Step 2 : Refer to Step 1

Step 3 : Refer to Step 2

Step 4 : Refer to Step 3

Step 5 : You really dun get it, do u? Ok, sth for a change. Try the infamous 'bang ur head against the wall' method employed by daf's ex-bf. (Note: Gals, do not attempt to stop this move as u will end up with a fractured finger, which u will lie abt by saying u caught it in a door)

Step 6 : Seems u r really in quite a fix, aren't u? See me! (Written in red, like how ur pri sch teacher would write on ur report card)

Notice i left out the 'jump off a building' option. Highly discouraged. If u really wish to do that, make sure it look like an accident or foul play is involved. Easier to claim insurance.

Defecting To Samsung?

Hmmmm... the first weekend of the new sem, n what could i be doing? Yeah, i'm at home. It's been a rainy day anyway, was thinking of going to get a new hp. Thinking of signing up with a new line from Starhub so i can get the hp at a cheap price. I changed my M1 plan last nite also finally, to SunTalk 150. Someone some time ago has lamented at how i always said i wana change my hp plan but nv get it done. Well, finally got it done. Now just deciding between 3 phones to get. 2 Samsung n 1 Panasonic. Haven been keeping in touch with hp models for some time, no idea what r their model numbers. Just a matter of whether i wana part with $198, $148 or $138.

Yest was fri n i was talking to michi online after sch. I told her that i was going to ask someone out later, n that most prob i will end up asking michi to go lim jiu with me that nite, becos the someone will not wana see me. I haven had a good nite's out for a long time already. Since eugene went to the states, I have cut down on clubbing, not cos i want to but more like no choice. Used to club quite often with him and his gang of frens, malcolm, wensong, cuixia and co, and even earlier when it'll be the 3 of us : lewis, eugene & me. Had some pretty unforgettable clubbing memories together, like how we got to know daf, cas & sharon, and also adeline n xinyi.
malcolm & cas got together after that, n its a pretty good feeling how we helped put 2 individuals together.

Eugene will be back soon, n i hope we will revive the party, get it started again. 1 more sem of nite life b4 finally graduating n moving on to sth better. haha. Looking forward to seeing u bro. We will rock the world again. =)

Happier Times

happier times

Touch Of Nostalgia

nostalgia : a bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past

Its the start of sch term again, but somehow I was like a bit rusty despite being only away for a mth or so. The first lec was so hard to get by, the 1 hr seem exceptionally long, n i have to check my hp for the time on numerous occasions. The moment I enter LT 1, certain feelings come creeping back to me. I think somehow, princess has entered my life and made an impact so silently and deeply that even I failed to recognise it. I was suddenly reminded of the numerous heat transfer lecs that i attended last sem but with my mind on the comp in the lib, can't wait to get back to it sooner to chat with Princess on msn. Even little details like this, I can't seem to forget.

I had a lousy dream this morning. In it, I was on board a bus with hanxi. We were sitting in the front and at the back, there were princess and a guy and another gal with no identities. It was quite obvious they were a couple. Then hanxi was trying to console me, asking me to take it easy. I was trying to convince myself that I was alrite and not affected by it. But I knew I was not alrite, and I even flare up at him for keep trying to get me to get over it. Senseless dream? It might be, it might not be. When has dreams ever make sense anyway?

She talk to me on New Year Eve. I was a bit surprised, din expect her to talk to me. Our conversation went towards the topic of the tsunami and I told her I might have lost a fren. She said she knew cos she read my blog. Maybe she read abt it and think she shd console me or sth. Actually I dun even expect her to still read my blog. Be it what it might be, I think I'll live.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid

You were made to go out and get her

The minute you let her under your skin

Then you'll begin to make it better

Went shopping with vivian after sch today. It wasn't an arranged thing though, just happen to know that she's going town today also. Then we just went down together as I need to get myself a pair of shoes. Sth that intrigued me while we were in the midst of shopping. She suddenly mention sth abt my gf, asking if we got go beach or sth. Since when did i have a gf??? I wondered what made her think that way. Maybe cos I told her I'm meeting a fren for dinner later, and she just assumed its my gf. Well, I was only meeting Lewis....

New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

I'm back.

Disaster In Phuket

Kim Long brought disturbing news last nite. He said Kailun's gf saw Weiqiang's name among the list of missing pple from sg after the tsunami hit phuket. He called to ask me if its our Weiqiang. It turned out it really is him, after I called Kailiang to confirm. He was holidaying in phuket with his gf when the tsunami hits, n his gf has been sent back to sg already. Now he remains missing.

This news bothered me since last nite. I dun really know how to pen down what i feel now. This is the first time that someone i knew personally have been close to any kind of peril. We informed the rest of the 81 pple, n now just wait for more news.

Its a bit funny, how upon knowing that someone might no longer be with us anymore, that past memories abt him came back with such clarity. Weiqiang n i go way back since pri 4, where we were part of the 5 Frens, together with Junqiang, Yanwen & Henry. Our clique eventually expanded as we go thru pri 5 & 6, ending up with Jingsong, Victor, Jiliang, Kaixuan, Yizhou, Maurice.

Most of the time, we were actually going for the same gal, Guo Peifang n Luo Huimin. I remember the time when I was at grandma's place, then I went to look him up n we ended up hanging ard Peifang's place seeing if she was at home. And the times we purposely go to Bt Batok where Peifang's dad's shop was, and just hung ard there like what teens of our age do when they like a gal.

Among the clique, i was the only one to go to a sec sch by myself. Weiqiang, Kaixuan went to River Valley, Jingsong, Jiliang, Yizhou, Victor went to Commonwealth, Junqiang & Yanwen went to Nan Hua, while I went to Bt Panjang by myself. I did still see him briefly for the 1st 3 mths in NJC but he went over to JJC after that. Coincidentally, Junqiang, Weiqiang & i were reunited in Hendon Camp, though all in diff platoons. Then he joined me in 81 as part of the 4th coy cohort as he disrupt for pilot selection.

Now I can only hope that someone up there is watching over him.

Waking With A Heartache

I wonder if anyone ever experience this same feeling I had. Waking with a heartache. The first thing that came to my mind when i woke up this morning, the moment I became conscious, was "I've lost my princess". The pain still cuts into me, maybe it's just not as intense as few weeks ago. This was the same feeling I had when I lost min 4 yrs ago. Every day I woke up with a heartache. It's like the first tot that came to ur mind when u wake up, is the fact that u've lost someone. Talk abt getting up on the wrong side of bed..... I can't even choose the sides now, can I?

Anyway, got busy planning my timetable today. Somehow, that made me happy - planning for sch. I dunno y, but sch had always made me happy. Even the time when I'm with min, when I go to sch, I would become a different person. Happy in a different kind of way. I guess that was the best times of my life in a while. I had a gf who loves me. I have my buddies - hanxi, eugene, lewis, jon, hui. I'm happy in sch, with amelia n gang, vivian & michelle, fab n gang. It was a fulfilling life. It seemed that i have not enough time on my hands. But I have to spoil it all, destroyed by my own bare hands.

"When I cut you off, did I cut myself with the same damned knife."

I guess I did cut myself. Badly. I've been thru quite a lot, since breaking up with min. It's been 1 yr already. I really hate spending festive seasons in this kinda mood.

I suddenly tot of gillian tonite. It's been a good 2 yrs since the time we stopped dating. I spent 9 mths trying to win her heart, but to no avail. We do have our fair shares of disagreements n quarrels. So much so that during that time, I feel that our disagreements make up more of the the time we spent together. But looking back at it now, I can't help but have fond memories of the time we had together, be it good or bad. At least at that time I was working for what I wanted, what I like n what I believed in. Somehow that gives me an aim in life and a purpose to every day, working towards the goal of making our relationship work out. I still remembered how lost I felt on the 1st few days that I decided to give up. Suddenly all sense of directions seem to be gone.

Well, this seem to have become some sort of my love blog. Most entries r abt my love life.

All Clear !

Lo and behold, all modules clear again! hehehe. Guess there's not much better feeling than that when u r a engineering student in ntu. Results out on fri, much earlier than expected. Though not very satisfactory, but at least I clear everything. Actually, I know I would clear everything. But it's still a relief when it became reality, considering how distracted I was during the exam times.

M363 Fluid Dynamics - C
M461 Heat Transfer - D
M462 Advanced Manufacturing & Nanotechnology - D
M464 Mechanical System Design - C
M492 Biomechanics - C
M494 Biomaterials - C
M141 HRM & Entrepreneurship - B

Not exactly what u would call good grades rite? It seems I have been deproving every sem, since yr 1, when I average mostly Bs & Cs. Guess I'd most prob end up with a 3rd class honours now, considering the status of my FYP now. If only I hadn't fail 363 in yr 3. Then my string of non da-bao luck would still be intact.

The first thing after that came to my mind after knowing my grades is actually to let Princess know how I did. Cos I wanted to let her know that I cleared all my modules, as she was quite worried abt how I would do for my exams during that period of turmoil. But still I did not tell her. I guess she wouldn't really care now how I fare. But in any case, if u happen to read this, u will know that I did ok for my exams. I told u to have confidence in me. =)

Sick...

For a while, I've been waiting to see how long it'll take b4 i fall sick, with the cigs n booze n late nites n chips. Seems I've got my ans now. Not feeling too good for the past few days already. Started with a funny feeling in the nasal on wed, to a sore throat on thur n finally started coughing today. I predict it'll only get worse. Not too appropriate a time to fall sick, with xmas just round the corner. But then again, I've no programs rite?

I've corrected my sleeping habits already. From a nocturnal creature to an early bird. Even got time to go gym in the morning some days. Feel so good to be awake early in the morning. It's like there's a whole new day for u to spend. Of coz I din spend it too constructively..... Spent the majority of my time on the PS2 recently, whacking Shadow Hearts : Covenant, Metal Gear Solid 3 : Snake Eater, NBA Live 2005, WWE Smackdown Vs RAW. However, there's 1 big problem staring me in the face. F-Y-P.

Dr Ann San just told me off the other day when I went back sch, saying that he did not see me do any work for the past few mths. Well, not that I've had any clear directions either. Everytime I see Dr Seet he will only ask me to go back n design n draw. Anyway, now he said that my project is reduced to just a theory report on the design n fabrication of a exoskeleton upper limb. He ask me to do away with the machine-interface design and the prototype of the actuaction of the upper limb in response to the sensor. However, Prof Seet did say that i'm required to do that. But then Dr Ann San has a point too, those r suppose to be another project all by themselves. It's just not feasible given the current time constraint. I think I have to talk to Prof Seet again soon. Maybe on mon.

My blog seem to be pretty popular recently, have quite a number of pple saying that they read my blog. haha. Really din expect this, maybe cos I'm not someone who would go n read someone else's blog, unless it's someone 'interesting'? haha. It seems a bit weird at the same time too. When pple whom i'm not too close to get to read abt what goes on thru my mind, the deepest feelings in my heart. Initially I put the link on frenster is for princess to read. But now I just can't be bothered to remove the link. Well, let the world know abt what I feel then. I wun have to be the great pretender anymore then.

Year In Review

So what had happened in 2004? This year seemed so long, in the sense that so much things seemed to have happened. For the 1st half of the yr, I has suffering at Caribbean, working for Hart Engr. I still recall my disappointment on the first day of work when they assigned me to go site. I remember thinking to myself that I could not possibly endure 6 full mths at site. Miraculously, I survived. And survive pretty well in fact.

I was still trying to get min to come back during then. I would msg her occasionally, even sent her a bouquet of flowers on V-Day. I went drinking with hanxi when she told me she's contented with alvin. From Chevron drink till Beer Valley. I must have downed a few jugs that nite. Till the next day I had a fucking bad hangover. (I started smoking again. At first, I insisted on not smoking even though the pple there, Zaw Moe, Azahar & Ng were all smokers. Gradually gave in after that.) Not long after that, I found out on frenster that she's married already. And that marks the end of us.

I started seeing Shannon after that. Our first date was at PS, watching Passion of Christ. We dated for abt 2 mths, from april till june, all during my IA period. Things did not turn out for us, mainly cos I did not want it to. She isn't what I am looking for. Till now I still feel apologetic for seemingly leading her on. We started seeing less of each other when my IA ended, n i went for ICT. And that marks the end of us.

Sch starts shortly after that. I was isolating myself from michelle during the 1st few weeks. Purposely giving her attitude. I even tot of changing my specialization so as not to see her. But I guess there isn't really a need for that. Though I tried to be cold to her, she still treat me like a good fren. I was having a bad cough then, she even bother to msg me to ask me to take care of myself. Gradually I start to take her as just a fren, without any more special feelings. I think this is the best way that things could turn out between us. Now we r still close as frens, without any awkwardness. =)

I also dunno how to describe the relationship between vivian n me. Frens? Good frens? Close frens? Sch mates? I think I spend the most time with vivian n michelle in sch. Michelle cos we both doing Bio-Med. Vivian cos we meet for other lecs that we having together. Our feelings did go beyond normal frens 1 yr ago. But that was in the past already. Now? Back to being platonic frens, i guess.

I met kit on national day, our first meeting was at Parco Bugis Junction. On our 2nd date, I celebrated her bday with her. I bought her calla lilies (she told me she like that). We dated for abt a mth or so. Hard to arrange dates with her due to her working hrs. We slowly drifted after not seeing each other for a couple of weeks. And that marks the end of us.

Partially cos I was distracted by ebby after that also. Ard this time I got to know irene & ebby online. After ebby played me out, princess came into my life. Again. I knew her back when I was still doing my IA. But that din go far. How she entered my life again n rose to the top of my mind was a stealth n silent process. After ebby played me out, I would on my msn literally the whole day, waiting to see her. However, I ended up seeing more of princess instead. Exams approaching, I started staying in sch lib every day to study in front of the comp tables. She was on msn literally the whole day as well, in lab doing her fyp. We would talk for hrs at a go back then. Even when I was in sch lib, supposedly to study. (Ciggie consumption increases, to keep me relaxed in between studying. I promise to stop after exams.)

Soon I grew to want to see her online more than anybody else. We started chatting on the phone also. We had our first date at Sentosa. Pretty romantic 1st date I would say, watching the muscial fountains and strolling along the beach. We started dating during exam times. We dated for 1 week, b4 the incident happened, and then continued for another 1 week, before she finally disappeared. (Ciggie consumption turns from bad to worse, even though exams r over. Throw in the ocassional beers.) She insisted on not seeing me for god-knows-what reason. Finally she said she lost the feeling for me already. And that marks the end of us.

Sometimes I wondered if eric had nv found out abt me, what might have been the outcome now? Would we continue to see each other like nothing's wrong? So much for wanting to be alone when she's already seeing someone new. Saying I'm not upset would be an understatement. It's at times like this that I shd really listen to what others have to say. As hanxi told me, she was nv my gf b4. So y shd I be so upset for a gal who did not even belong to me in the 1st place? (I'm a ciggie & beer junkie now. What's a good nite's out without ciggies & booze? Onto the path of self-destruction. hahaha)

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. 2004 is a yr where everything has gone wrong for me. All the things that I cared abt all went wrong. So no pt thinking abt all the what-ifs. If it would go wrong, it would. Maybe it's retribution? It all gets back to me after all's said n done. I've let min down, I've let shannon down. So someone's turn to do the same to me now?

I'll be back.

The Road To Recovery Lies In Time

Sometimes I tot of terminating this blog. The reason y i stop writing diary last time was because it was too hard to pen down my feelings, after suffering any emotional setbacks. I don't want to feel the sadness again as I write. Well, now it's pretty much the same prob ; reliving the sadness as i blog.

She said she lost the feeling for me already. I can't blame her for that also. We've only been seeing each other for 2 weeks. And now its already 2 weeks that we have not seen each other. Feelings? What's left of it now? Be it whether she purposely said that to make me stop looking for her, or she really don't feel anything for me anymore, it's going to eventually put a stop to this. In a way, I'm glad that she told me that. Wanting me to accept the fact that she likes me but yet does not want to see me is harder. Now that she's put it this way, I can't hold on to it anymore. Remember back during good times, she would go online purposely to see if i'm ard. But now we can both be online the whole day yet nv talk at all. The way things change makes me feel so sad.

I don't feel the 'fate' with her. For some gals, such as adeline & gillian, I have the feeling that our paths will cross again one day. Others such as weiling, I know our fate's a bit thin. Not much chance of running into them. Princess falls into the latter category too.

Now, to finally pick myself up n move on.

"I'm gonna pick up all those pieces and what's left of my pride,
I'm feeling like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night."

FYP Fever

Back to FYP now that the exams r over. Finally I got some clear directions from Prof Seet regarding my FYP. First things first: interim report due on 29th Nov. Come up with the content page for the final report and the 1st chapter, consisting of the background, on exoskeleton. Next, come up with the prototype of the interface between the exoskeleton and the arm n back surface. Next, come up with the prototype of the mechanized movement of the arm, powered by a motor, incorporating the interface sensors in it. Finally, a theory paper on the fabrication of the entire exoskeleton arm. Sounds like a daunting task. Haven even started on the interim report yet.

I'm trying to numb my feelings now by engrossing myself in my FYP. Somehow it doesn't seem to be working very well. She's still not taking my calls and I haven seen her on msn for 2 days already. Must u really go to this extent?

Stuck in the lib now, trying to do come up with sth for the background on exoskeleton. I can't help but be reminded of the times when we corresponded on msn ever so often. I would leave my msn on while I went for lessons, and after lessons I will be so eager to go back to the lib to chat with her n see if she has left me any msgs. I guess those were the best times of my life this yr. Now I'm left with an emptiness in my mind, devoid of feelings for anyone except her.

End Of Exams

Finally the exams have ended. I think I started studying too early this sem, start of Oct I started already. Plus the exam period spanned over 3 weeks. So all in all, the high stress period is almost 2 mths long. It was a bit too much for me to take. Finally rid of this burden today. Yet I dun feel any happiness.

I wanted so much to see her today. I wanted to share my joys with her, that the exams r finally over. She refused to see me. I dun even know when she will be willing to meet me again. Maybe never. How did things come to this stand? I really have no idea. It was still ok when I accompanied her to Suntec. Now it turned bad again. or worse.

Kit asked me to just occasionally leave her a sms. But I really cant bear not to contact her. So bad that the 1st day itself I already called her at nite. Yest I called her twice also. Once when I was studying in sch, n at nite when I was abt to sleep. Today I called her again, when I was in Clementi, hoping that she would meet me. I dunno if I'm overdoing it, such that she might really get sick of me 1 day.

My appetite hasn't been good the past few weeks after these things happened. I've nv been so affected that I can't eat. I remember the worst was when min left me in 2001, when I went without a meal for a day. I actually din eat for 3 days that time over the incident with eric. And recently on n off also been skipping meals for whole days, whenever I get affected.

Its 12+ midnite now. I din msg her tonite, n i dun think she will msg to tell me that she's home either. What's gonna happen eventually?

Please Dun Try So Hard To Say Goodbye

Sometimes I can't help but be amazed by my gut instinct. I guess the candle blew out again yest. Today she told me that she wants to be alone for the meantime. I'd be lying if I said I din see it coming. I really dun know how to react to it when I first received her sms. I did not reply her immediately in case I said sth rash n upset her even more. I tot it over for a few hrs.

This is the 2nd time she is disappearing from me. I guess she must have met eric yest. I asked her a couple of times where she going but she always avoided answering. No wonder her response became so lukewarm last nite. Somehow I predicted our Wed date wun happen. That's y i tried so hard to get her to promise to meet me on Wed. Nonetheless, what wun be eventually wun be.

Regardless of what, princess: "it's ur happiness, that matters, most of all". If it requires me to take a step back, i will do it. If it requires me to only show my concern silently, i will do it. If it requires me to be a fool, i will do it.

I really think this song suits us.

She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore

Its not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye
Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Happy Birthday Princess

Today is princess' birthday. However, i din plan anything for her. In fact I haven heard from her the whole day, though i did sms her twice. She din reply though. I keep feeling that sth is amiss. I can't really place my finger on what's wrong, but sth seems to be not right.

I did meet her yest though. I went to her place to post her birthday card, n accompany her down to suntec for a wedding dinner. She looks gorgeous in a black tube n black pants. I feel so happy just being with her. Everytime when we were together, things would seem to go really fine. But when we r chatting at nite on the phone or msn, I could somehow sense some reluctance in her. Maybe I'm imagining things.

We r supposed to go out tomolo. I wonder if the date still stands, having not heard from her the whole day. Our relationship is like a candle in the wind. It could be there 1 moment and vanish the next. Just a blink n everything could disappear.

Where Is The Peace?

Whatever happened to peace? Currently its non-existent in my life, n i think it will continue to be absent for the next few mths to come. Haven been in this much emotional turmoil for quite some time. Somehow i see some resemblance in what's happening now with what's happening in 2001 with Weiling. What's with me n weilings?

I had dinner with princess today at Causeway Pt. After that, we walk from Woodlands to Admiralty. Along the way, she kept asking me if I am going after her. I really dunno how to ans her. I only kept quiet and gave some irrelevant ans.

She called me last nite, crying. She was supposed to have supper with him. She asked if i'm sad when she told me she's meeting him for supper. I just said no. Was I happy when she called me, crying? I dun know either. I knew sth must have gone wrong when I saw her name on my hp. But I can tell from her cries that she still likes him a lot a lot. Probably more than she ever would like me. But what could I do? I could only lend my shoulder, lend my ear, lend anything that she might need from me. Isn't that the role that I shd be playing now?

On thur nite, she accompanied me to study at her void deck thru-out the nite. I wonder y she is willing to accompany me to study. It was an outrageous idea in the first place. I went over to her place at 3am in the morning, after studying with hanxi in sch. She accompanied me to study thru the nite and I went for my paper the next day without any zzzzz...

I'm At Peace ; My Love Is Limitless

I've nv been good at handling affairs of the heart. I'm overly impulsive, not able to take a step back and look at things and tend to do things on impulse. I handled the matter with princess very poorly as well.

I've sort of come to a decision, well, can't exactly be called a decison, but rather i've come to terms with what's happening, and right now hopes to be at peace with everything. Now i can feel what hanxi is feeling mths back when he's still bothered over caizhi. I've not been this much troubled by a gal since min left me for marcus 4 yrs ago. I tot I will be able to control my emotions after that but who knows. The feeling of finding love again really got to me. So much so that i really let go of all inhibitions and love unconditionally. But its an illusion after all. I dun blame anyone, apart from myself. For not being able to see things clearly.

If she'll like me, eventually she will. If she wun, no matter what i do wun help also. I really got to take a step back and live with it now. No matter what decision she makes, as long as she's happy will do. I'll just do my part to make her happy. My love is limitless.

Thank you hui and jasmine, for talking to me n hearing what i have to say. Thank you xuanhu for letting me see things from other views. Sorry to everybody that i have troubled cos of my inability to handle my life well. Thank you princess for making me really feel loved.

A Fruitless Wait

I waited for u the whole day today.
I waited till 930pm.
I called but u din ans.
I sms but u din reply.
I dunno what's going thru ur mind.
I dunno what's happened since yest.
I dunno how u r feeling now.
I dunno what's ur reason for lying to me.
But I do know that I feel for you.
I do know that I want you.
I know you can feel it as well.

She Lied To Me

She lied to me. She has a bf. All the while I have the feeling that it's too good to be true. Well, guess i'm rite. I'm back to square one once again.

I dunno what i'm feeling now. Disappointed? Definitely. Angry? Maybe. Sad? I keep telling myself not to. I'll nv bow down to this kind of setbacks ever again.

But how do i pack up my feelings and move on? Everything was still oh-so-nice just yest. I bought her a sunflower. She bought me chocs. She told me how she wished she had known me earlier. I pretended that there was no hidden meaning. She told me she doesn't want a relationship now. I pretended that there was no hidden meaning too.

But somehow i knew. All the while I knew. I knew there had to be a catch somewhere. I just dun wish it to happen. Pretended it was all going to be just fine. Pretending that this is all really happening. Pretending that i'm going to find love again, after all this while.

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I played the game but to my real shame
You left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be but I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown

Pretending that you're still around

Musical Fountain

The date with princess went well. We arranged to meet at Harbor Front MRT, and incorporated a mini game in the meeting. I'm suppose to find her at one of the 4 exits A,B,C & D without her telling me which one. I finally got it rite on the last try, as she chose the most ulu exit.

We went to watch the performance at the musical fountain in Sentosa. The foyer was packed with audience for that nite (tourists from HK or Malaysia i think). Din expect there to be such a turn-out. It was a half hr performance, and after that we tried walking to the beach area. However our pathwas impeded by numerous fenced-up area due to construction. Finally we took a bus to Siloso Beach. We had some food at the Sakae Sushi located at Siloso Beach. It was so sparse at nite that I wonder y they even bother to operate. In all there were only 3 couples eating there, n i dun expect anymore to turn up either.

After dinner, we strolled all the way down to Palawan Beach where we checked out the 2 towers at the Southern most pt of Southeast Asia. She wanted to see stars but it wasn't a particularly starry nite that nite. I can't even manage to spot 10 stars for her. We shared a kiss at the top of the tower. On our way out, I think she wanted a stroll by the beach. Fearing that we might miss the last bus out of Sentosa, I suggested otherwise. Finally we took the bus out n i accompany her on the cab home. Thank you princess for the wonderful date. =)