Thursday, December 30, 2004

Disaster In Phuket

Kim Long brought disturbing news last nite. He said Kailun's gf saw Weiqiang's name among the list of missing pple from sg after the tsunami hit phuket. He called to ask me if its our Weiqiang. It turned out it really is him, after I called Kailiang to confirm. He was holidaying in phuket with his gf when the tsunami hits, n his gf has been sent back to sg already. Now he remains missing.

This news bothered me since last nite. I dun really know how to pen down what i feel now. This is the first time that someone i knew personally have been close to any kind of peril. We informed the rest of the 81 pple, n now just wait for more news.

Its a bit funny, how upon knowing that someone might no longer be with us anymore, that past memories abt him came back with such clarity. Weiqiang n i go way back since pri 4, where we were part of the 5 Frens, together with Junqiang, Yanwen & Henry. Our clique eventually expanded as we go thru pri 5 & 6, ending up with Jingsong, Victor, Jiliang, Kaixuan, Yizhou, Maurice.

Most of the time, we were actually going for the same gal, Guo Peifang n Luo Huimin. I remember the time when I was at grandma's place, then I went to look him up n we ended up hanging ard Peifang's place seeing if she was at home. And the times we purposely go to Bt Batok where Peifang's dad's shop was, and just hung ard there like what teens of our age do when they like a gal.

Among the clique, i was the only one to go to a sec sch by myself. Weiqiang, Kaixuan went to River Valley, Jingsong, Jiliang, Yizhou, Victor went to Commonwealth, Junqiang & Yanwen went to Nan Hua, while I went to Bt Panjang by myself. I did still see him briefly for the 1st 3 mths in NJC but he went over to JJC after that. Coincidentally, Junqiang, Weiqiang & i were reunited in Hendon Camp, though all in diff platoons. Then he joined me in 81 as part of the 4th coy cohort as he disrupt for pilot selection.

Now I can only hope that someone up there is watching over him.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Waking With A Heartache

I wonder if anyone ever experience this same feeling I had. Waking with a heartache. The first thing that came to my mind when i woke up this morning, the moment I became conscious, was "I've lost my princess". The pain still cuts into me, maybe it's just not as intense as few weeks ago. This was the same feeling I had when I lost min 4 yrs ago. Every day I woke up with a heartache. It's like the first tot that came to ur mind when u wake up, is the fact that u've lost someone. Talk abt getting up on the wrong side of bed..... I can't even choose the sides now, can I?

Anyway, got busy planning my timetable today. Somehow, that made me happy - planning for sch. I dunno y, but sch had always made me happy. Even the time when I'm with min, when I go to sch, I would become a different person. Happy in a different kind of way. I guess that was the best times of my life in a while. I had a gf who loves me. I have my buddies - hanxi, eugene, lewis, jon, hui. I'm happy in sch, with amelia n gang, vivian & michelle, fab n gang. It was a fulfilling life. It seemed that i have not enough time on my hands. But I have to spoil it all, destroyed by my own bare hands.

"When I cut you off, did I cut myself with the same damned knife."

I guess I did cut myself. Badly. I've been thru quite a lot, since breaking up with min. It's been 1 yr already. I really hate spending festive seasons in this kinda mood.

I suddenly tot of gillian tonite. It's been a good 2 yrs since the time we stopped dating. I spent 9 mths trying to win her heart, but to no avail. We do have our fair shares of disagreements n quarrels. So much so that during that time, I feel that our disagreements make up more of the the time we spent together. But looking back at it now, I can't help but have fond memories of the time we had together, be it good or bad. At least at that time I was working for what I wanted, what I like n what I believed in. Somehow that gives me an aim in life and a purpose to every day, working towards the goal of making our relationship work out. I still remembered how lost I felt on the 1st few days that I decided to give up. Suddenly all sense of directions seem to be gone.

Well, this seem to have become some sort of my love blog. Most entries r abt my love life.

Monday, December 20, 2004

All Clear !

Lo and behold, all modules clear again! hehehe. Guess there's not much better feeling than that when u r a engineering student in ntu. Results out on fri, much earlier than expected. Though not very satisfactory, but at least I clear everything. Actually, I know I would clear everything. But it's still a relief when it became reality, considering how distracted I was during the exam times.

M363 Fluid Dynamics - C
M461 Heat Transfer - D
M462 Advanced Manufacturing & Nanotechnology - D
M464 Mechanical System Design - C
M492 Biomechanics - C
M494 Biomaterials - C
M141 HRM & Entrepreneurship - B

Not exactly what u would call good grades rite? It seems I have been deproving every sem, since yr 1, when I average mostly Bs & Cs. Guess I'd most prob end up with a 3rd class honours now, considering the status of my FYP now. If only I hadn't fail 363 in yr 3. Then my string of non da-bao luck would still be intact.

The first thing after that came to my mind after knowing my grades is actually to let Princess know how I did. Cos I wanted to let her know that I cleared all my modules, as she was quite worried abt how I would do for my exams during that period of turmoil. But still I did not tell her. I guess she wouldn't really care now how I fare. But in any case, if u happen to read this, u will know that I did ok for my exams. I told u to have confidence in me. =)

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Sick...

For a while, I've been waiting to see how long it'll take b4 i fall sick, with the cigs n booze n late nites n chips. Seems I've got my ans now. Not feeling too good for the past few days already. Started with a funny feeling in the nasal on wed, to a sore throat on thur n finally started coughing today. I predict it'll only get worse. Not too appropriate a time to fall sick, with xmas just round the corner. But then again, I've no programs rite?

I've corrected my sleeping habits already. From a nocturnal creature to an early bird. Even got time to go gym in the morning some days. Feel so good to be awake early in the morning. It's like there's a whole new day for u to spend. Of coz I din spend it too constructively..... Spent the majority of my time on the PS2 recently, whacking Shadow Hearts : Covenant, Metal Gear Solid 3 : Snake Eater, NBA Live 2005, WWE Smackdown Vs RAW. However, there's 1 big problem staring me in the face. F-Y-P.

Dr Ann San just told me off the other day when I went back sch, saying that he did not see me do any work for the past few mths. Well, not that I've had any clear directions either. Everytime I see Dr Seet he will only ask me to go back n design n draw. Anyway, now he said that my project is reduced to just a theory report on the design n fabrication of a exoskeleton upper limb. He ask me to do away with the machine-interface design and the prototype of the actuaction of the upper limb in response to the sensor. However, Prof Seet did say that i'm required to do that. But then Dr Ann San has a point too, those r suppose to be another project all by themselves. It's just not feasible given the current time constraint. I think I have to talk to Prof Seet again soon. Maybe on mon.

My blog seem to be pretty popular recently, have quite a number of pple saying that they read my blog. haha. Really din expect this, maybe cos I'm not someone who would go n read someone else's blog, unless it's someone 'interesting'? haha. It seems a bit weird at the same time too. When pple whom i'm not too close to get to read abt what goes on thru my mind, the deepest feelings in my heart. Initially I put the link on frenster is for princess to read. But now I just can't be bothered to remove the link. Well, let the world know abt what I feel then. I wun have to be the great pretender anymore then.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Year In Review

So what had happened in 2004? This year seemed so long, in the sense that so much things seemed to have happened. For the 1st half of the yr, I has suffering at Caribbean, working for Hart Engr. I still recall my disappointment on the first day of work when they assigned me to go site. I remember thinking to myself that I could not possibly endure 6 full mths at site. Miraculously, I survived. And survive pretty well in fact.

I was still trying to get min to come back during then. I would msg her occasionally, even sent her a bouquet of flowers on V-Day. I went drinking with hanxi when she told me she's contented with alvin. From Chevron drink till Beer Valley. I must have downed a few jugs that nite. Till the next day I had a fucking bad hangover. (I started smoking again. At first, I insisted on not smoking even though the pple there, Zaw Moe, Azahar & Ng were all smokers. Gradually gave in after that.) Not long after that, I found out on frenster that she's married already. And that marks the end of us.

I started seeing Shannon after that. Our first date was at PS, watching Passion of Christ. We dated for abt 2 mths, from april till june, all during my IA period. Things did not turn out for us, mainly cos I did not want it to. She isn't what I am looking for. Till now I still feel apologetic for seemingly leading her on. We started seeing less of each other when my IA ended, n i went for ICT. And that marks the end of us.

Sch starts shortly after that. I was isolating myself from michelle during the 1st few weeks. Purposely giving her attitude. I even tot of changing my specialization so as not to see her. But I guess there isn't really a need for that. Though I tried to be cold to her, she still treat me like a good fren. I was having a bad cough then, she even bother to msg me to ask me to take care of myself. Gradually I start to take her as just a fren, without any more special feelings. I think this is the best way that things could turn out between us. Now we r still close as frens, without any awkwardness. =)

I also dunno how to describe the relationship between vivian n me. Frens? Good frens? Close frens? Sch mates? I think I spend the most time with vivian n michelle in sch. Michelle cos we both doing Bio-Med. Vivian cos we meet for other lecs that we having together. Our feelings did go beyond normal frens 1 yr ago. But that was in the past already. Now? Back to being platonic frens, i guess.

I met kit on national day, our first meeting was at Parco Bugis Junction. On our 2nd date, I celebrated her bday with her. I bought her calla lilies (she told me she like that). We dated for abt a mth or so. Hard to arrange dates with her due to her working hrs. We slowly drifted after not seeing each other for a couple of weeks. And that marks the end of us.

Partially cos I was distracted by ebby after that also. Ard this time I got to know irene & ebby online. After ebby played me out, princess came into my life. Again. I knew her back when I was still doing my IA. But that din go far. How she entered my life again n rose to the top of my mind was a stealth n silent process. After ebby played me out, I would on my msn literally the whole day, waiting to see her. However, I ended up seeing more of princess instead. Exams approaching, I started staying in sch lib every day to study in front of the comp tables. She was on msn literally the whole day as well, in lab doing her fyp. We would talk for hrs at a go back then. Even when I was in sch lib, supposedly to study. (Ciggie consumption increases, to keep me relaxed in between studying. I promise to stop after exams.)

Soon I grew to want to see her online more than anybody else. We started chatting on the phone also. We had our first date at Sentosa. Pretty romantic 1st date I would say, watching the muscial fountains and strolling along the beach. We started dating during exam times. We dated for 1 week, b4 the incident happened, and then continued for another 1 week, before she finally disappeared. (Ciggie consumption turns from bad to worse, even though exams r over. Throw in the ocassional beers.) She insisted on not seeing me for god-knows-what reason. Finally she said she lost the feeling for me already. And that marks the end of us.

Sometimes I wondered if eric had nv found out abt me, what might have been the outcome now? Would we continue to see each other like nothing's wrong? So much for wanting to be alone when she's already seeing someone new. Saying I'm not upset would be an understatement. It's at times like this that I shd really listen to what others have to say. As hanxi told me, she was nv my gf b4. So y shd I be so upset for a gal who did not even belong to me in the 1st place? (I'm a ciggie & beer junkie now. What's a good nite's out without ciggies & booze? Onto the path of self-destruction. hahaha)

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. 2004 is a yr where everything has gone wrong for me. All the things that I cared abt all went wrong. So no pt thinking abt all the what-ifs. If it would go wrong, it would. Maybe it's retribution? It all gets back to me after all's said n done. I've let min down, I've let shannon down. So someone's turn to do the same to me now?

I'll be back.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

The Road To Recovery Lies In Time

Sometimes I tot of terminating this blog. The reason y i stop writing diary last time was because it was too hard to pen down my feelings, after suffering any emotional setbacks. I don't want to feel the sadness again as I write. Well, now it's pretty much the same prob ; reliving the sadness as i blog.

She said she lost the feeling for me already. I can't blame her for that also. We've only been seeing each other for 2 weeks. And now its already 2 weeks that we have not seen each other. Feelings? What's left of it now? Be it whether she purposely said that to make me stop looking for her, or she really don't feel anything for me anymore, it's going to eventually put a stop to this. In a way, I'm glad that she told me that. Wanting me to accept the fact that she likes me but yet does not want to see me is harder. Now that she's put it this way, I can't hold on to it anymore. Remember back during good times, she would go online purposely to see if i'm ard. But now we can both be online the whole day yet nv talk at all. The way things change makes me feel so sad.

I don't feel the 'fate' with her. For some gals, such as adeline & gillian, I have the feeling that our paths will cross again one day. Others such as weiling, I know our fate's a bit thin. Not much chance of running into them. Princess falls into the latter category too.

Now, to finally pick myself up n move on.

"I'm gonna pick up all those pieces and what's left of my pride,
I'm feeling like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night."