Saturday, July 30, 2005

Once There Was A Fool

Ok blog, another sad entry after all these mths. Coincidentally, it ended in similar fashion to the last heartache. Both recent break-ups with bf that I din know of, both telling me they did not want to hurt me, both decided to stop seeing me. I take it as punishment from above. For all the bad things I've done.

Sth I've learnt is to not to try too hard for sth to happen. The more u push, the further it gets. I told her i'll wait. I'll play my part, n let her play hers.

I just felt as if someone up there just pulled a prank on me this time. To have me so foolishly build up hope only to have it smashed in an instant. What I'm really surprised at this time round is the amt of hope that I've actually sub-consciously built up. That it was enough to cause me this much heartache. It was a bitter bitter feeling when realised that it all come to naught.

I feel the dreaded feeling yesterday. The Dreaded Feeling. Where u r not in the mood for anything, where ur appetite is lost, where u just can't get to sleep at nite, where u start to see shadows of the past ard every corner. When I was at Suntec Sky Garden just now, I tot of the time I called her while I was there with Lewis & Eugene 3 yrs ago. Even memories of 3 yrs ago started floating back. I was elated to know she's having a long weekend this week. Tot I could see more of her. I tot of stuffs and promises we said which is not going to happen. We'll go clubbing. We'll go sentosa. We'll go for nature walks. It ain't there anymore...

With every setback I encounter, my ability to love becomes lesser and lesser.

Once there was a fool.
He hath his heart broken in two

The Long Walk

There is so much to say yet I can only say so little.

The bitterness wells up in my throat as I walked, until a pt it becomes unbearable.

Hope brings forth Expectation.

Truth erradicates Expectation.

Bitterness follows Truth.

Hope; How I hate you.

The walk must go on.

I hope no more.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dumb

Wake up. Don't be dumb. It's just wishful thinking. It isn't happening.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

The Island

I'm just 5 mins into my hse n here I am seated in front of my comp, for I have tots abt sth that I wana pen down b4 I get too lazy to do anything abt it. I just watched The Island with Gillian at JP. It was a remarkably good show, despite the less-than-creative title. Hell, I think I'd go so far as to say its the best show I watched this year. The gist of the plot revolves ard 1 theme: human cloning. I remembered I wrote an essay on this topic for my A Level GP paper. N its sth that intrigues me a lot.

In it, Ewan McGregor plays a clone of someone living in the real world. All clones are kept in an undergrd facility whereby they await to have their organs harvested by their original counterpart shd their organs fail them. Their r termed as insurance policies, bought by the filthy rich. The clones lived without any knowledge of the real world, and the only thing they look forward to in ther life is to win the lottery, by which they would get the chance to go to "The Island", which was perceived to be a paradise lost. In actuality, winning the lottery simply means their owner's time is up (n so r theirs'), and they r abt to get their organs harvested.

The show is filmed such as to show human cloning in a bad light; the securities at the facility have no love lost for the clones, they pull a str face, strictly business for them. They laugh n jest as the clones struggle for survival upon knowing they will be killed. The mastermind behind the facility is unfeeling, unscrupulus. Clones r merely products to him.

So is it ethical to clone a human? More than often, Science has brought upon itself various morality issues. Subjects like the atom bomb, nuclear warfare, genetic engineering, etc. It was all made possible thru science. If I'm filthy rich n lying on my deathbed, n someone proposed to me the idea of cloning a new me so as to replace my failed body parts, would I be wrong to want it? If a clone of me is made for this purpose, is it right for him to want to break free of his destiny? Let's look at this, with regards to the idea of freedom to live. In both cases, I can argue for it with this idea.

For the host:
I am rich, n I do not want to die. I can afford to make a clone of myself. Y ain't I allow to do it?

For the clone:
I have as much right to live as anyone else in the world. If there's so much talk abt abt human rights in abortion cases, there shd be as much rights for my case.

So it isn't as clear-cut as in the show, where the cloning parties r portrayed as the villians. No matter what happens, it will always be 1 for 1. 1 must die while the other lives. (Sounds like Harry Potter & Voldermort here?) The scales would not be tilted. Yin and Yang. Black & White. Male & Female. The balance is always there. This is Gillian's view on the matter. So who's at fault? The host or the clone? Or maybe the scientist perharps, for even allowing this to happen. To quote a phrase from the show: "Everyone likes to eat burgers, but they don't like to see the cow." Really apt for the situation at hand.

Later on I had this tot. The host wanted a clone of himself to be created, cos he wanted to live. The clone after being created wanted to live as well. But wouldn't the original sin lies with the host himself, for it was he who wanted it. He should therefore be responsible for his clone as a parent is responsible for their child. Isn't a clone as close to an offspring as it can get? Hence, the host holds full responsiblity over his clone, including his sch of tots.

Finally, to note, science shd not be facing the issues of ethics n morality. Humanity shd be. Commericalization n military usually robs away any morality of techonology. The use of any technology borders on the intended purpose of the user.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Convocations

The past 2 weeks have been busy ones. I attended 4 convocations in all, including my own. Gillian on fri, Lewis on tue, Hui on wed and my own on fri. Was supposed to attend Shiyi's convo as well, but couldn't really get my bum off the bed that morning.

My primary role at Gillian's convo was bag carrier. Xinyi functioned as the official photographer. Her mum, aunt, sis n bro turned up for her convo. At that time I wondered if her mum n sis would remember me from 3 yrs back. They must be thinking this guy's really perserve or this guy's simply too thick to be after her for 3 yrs without success. We went out afterwards to orchard for dinner and then Indochime for some drinks.

Now for some gossips. I saw Hanqiang as we were walking along outside wisma towards indochime. His face was sordid and he waved me a casual hi n proceeded on his way. When we entered the live band section of indochime, I saw Queenie at a table with her ex bf. They were happily holding hands and cuddling n kissing. I put 2 n 2 together and figured Hanqiang must have just left from there. What bemused me the most was the lack of guilt on Queenie's face. She was happily carrying on her reverie with his old love while Hanqiang stalked off, face black as charcoal. This dun reflect too well on her I supposed, but who was I to judge.

Gals r heartless creatures. I experienced this first hand. When they found new love, they brush u off like a piece of dirt. The regrets come after a while, when the honeymoon period ended and problmes started surfacing. That's when they wondered if they would have been better off had they stayed with their old love. Remorse n guilt may have plagued her thru-out her new relationship but it doesn't help any cause now does it? The damage has been done. The pain is inflicted. It runs like an invisible scar across my chest, one that cuts right to my heart. Only those unfortunate enough to have experienced the same would understand the kind of pain that I felt at that time. It is beyond words.

She was the highlight of my life then. Everything I did, I did it for her. Every dreary mission n route march I undertaken, the tot of her keeps me going. To bk-out and see her every weekend. Every jump I took, I told myself I must not die because I gotta live to see her. I kept myself out of trouble as far as I could cos I treasure my weekends more than anything else. She was my world. She left. My world is no more. I died.

I ended up writing so much on the past when this entry is titled 'convocations'. Mustn't sidetrack too much. Back to convocations.

I attended Lewis n Ruimin convo on tue. It was my birthday as well. Everyone pretty much had their own programs to attend to. So ended up with Eugene & me going marina square in the meantime waiting for anyone else to join us. We watched Fantastic 4 which shd really be titled Fantastic 1 instead. (Jessica Alba being the 1 of coz) Lewis and Ruimin joined us for dinner after voyaging the sch for photo taking. Hui met us for dinner even later at marche and she brought the fabled Andru with her. That marked the simplest birthday I had these few yrs. Not much fanfare. Not much gimmicks. I'm too old for all these as well.

Next was Hui convo on wed evening. Hilda was there as well, and apart from her, no one else I knew. I saw my eye candy. She's from Biz, 1 yr my junior. It took me till her convocation to find out. Haha. Was with Hui and another guy from her Masters class who doesn't seem to like me a great deal.

And lastly, there was my own convocation. Since all the working personnel couldn't attend it, I asked everyone who could make it to not attend as well. Just a simple affair with my family. MPE convocation was split into 3 sessions. Pretty disruptive for photo-taking purposes. Ended up just took individual shots with whoever I could find on the spot. The nite was spent at a board game shop in Bugis by the name of Oasis. Eugene, Lewis, Ruimin and I was there till 2+ in the morning. I've got a good mind to ask Gillian with us sometime.

Monday, July 11, 2005

The Place

I was back at a place where I had gotten very familiar with, though I had absolutely no business there strictly speaking. I made frequent visits to this place in 2002 because of her. The frequent trips over to study, to accompany her, and even a confrontation. Well, I was back there again but I wouldn't have dreamt that we'd actually be back there together, even just half a mth ago. The places we went to brought the nostalgia.

The building where there's no hp reception and male/female washrooms on alternate levels

We were there once, n I was reprimanded for making her look for me while I waited for her to sms me after we visited the washrooms on different floors.

The canteen with the pink tables

Numerous times I have seen her sitting in the canteen during lunch time with her frens. Numerous times the conflict in my mind to go over and say hi n numerous times I always resisted.

The confrontation with Bamboo took place there as well. Xinyi was there as well n I even have to rope in Eugene eventually. Honestly, I din know she was going to be so upset over what I told her, to actually set up a confrontation. Bamboo must be cursing me so bad in his heart after that day, but honestly, I din meant it as a sabotage to his efforts to win her heart.

The incredibly coincidental thing is that we actually met Bamboo that day in the canteen. Nobody acknowledge anybody. He must be thinking: this fool sure is persistent. 3 yrs n still going on. haha.

The library up the sloping road

The place where I left her 3 years ago with a sad resolve in my mind. She was angry with me on that particular day, when we were supposed to study in the library. I tried all I could to make her happy. I drew her a smiley face with a silly smile which she told me b4 that it looked very cute, b4 I left for tuition.

That was the last time that we went out; in a long while. The strong resolve to work things out had faltered. What was left was a sad resolve. The sad resolve to back off. I knew that would be the last time I'm gonna see her. But I want to make her happy even if its the last time I'm seeing her. I'm the Great Pretender.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Slammed Again

This is the 2nd criticism I got in a while. So much for asking pple to comment. Oh well, say what u want, I wouldn't have penned (or rather, typed) it down if I can't accept verying opinions. But then again, the fact that it has to be penned down in this blog shd already tell that its controversial material.

Maybe because of the various names that appeared in this blog that pple would tend to think that i can like multiple gals. To list: Huimin, Michelle, Vivian, Huifang, Liz, Gillian, Vellene n God knows who else. Its true that I have a lot of gals on my mind. Its true that I am nice to all of them. But its not equivalent to me liking all of them. Maybe I shd make a stand so everyone wun be misleaded? I do not like a single gal now. So everyone's happy? No one's gonna slam me again I think?

Anyway, I decide to remove the pic of Gillian & me and replace it with another one for privacy reason. Reckon if there's pple criticising my way of tots, then I had better keep the gals identity under wraps.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Old Flame Week ; New Flame Week ?

Old flame week was good. Especially the date with Gillian. I dun understand how I couldn't seem to talk much with her in the past, cos this time it just seems so natural. Maybe its cos I've changed. Situation changed. Expectations changed. I was too conscious of myself as a suitor in the past. She had different expectations of me as a suitor in the past as well. I like the feeling we had on fri. I hope it will be like this forever. We went KBox at JEC, but I was kinda off-form. Couldn't hit the high notes that I usually could. We had jap food for dinner and after that, initially wanted to get her to join Eugene, Lewis & Ruimin at Holland V for games but the place is closing soon. I joined them nonetheless, for a miserable 1 hr of ice cream time at Swenson's.

Recap of old flame week: Sunday - Squash with princess. Friday - Breakfast with Huifang. (See, got jio u leh.) Friday - Date with Gillian. So that would make this week new flame week I guess. So far it seems to be true. Vellene asked if I wanted to catch War Of The Worlds with her on the coming fri. That would make 1 new flame date for this week, which of coz is still subjected to changes.

TODAY was another failure this morning. I tot the worst it could get was down to 4 guys: Lewis, Eugene, Mingyang n myself. But Mingyang decide to go ECP instead when we finally gathered at Harbor Front. So we had a grand total of 3 hunks at Sentosa, for predominantly sun-tan, and miniscule frisbee session. Well, at least it was an improvement of 1 member as compared to last sat at sentosa with eugene n me only. We just have to keep this up n by the 10th week we'd have 10 person. =)

IPPT due on my bday, which is approximately 9 days away. I guess I wun be booking it. Maybe can escape with a fine like Kailun. Worst case scenario would be RT session. ICT rd the corner as well. I had better find employment soon. No way would I wana go back for this one. Non of my mates r going back, save for Jinlong n Yang Wei I think. Ernest has 1 more sem, Nic still in NTU, Weijie has 1 more yr, Kean has 1 more sem as well I think.