Ugly Singaporeans

Couple of weeks back, I happen to be an unfortunate witness (as well as participant) in what I would consider a typical event which exemplifies Singaporeans' high "civic and moral values" on the MRT on my way to work. It's also a good example of how some pple uses the ass to think instead of the brain.

The scene was early morning 6plus, in a crowded MRT cabin, I was dozing happily on the 2nd seat to the last, the last being the one where there r labels indicating "Pls give way to the elderly or the disabled" pasted above it. All the seats r taken, n at the next stop, in walks who else but a pregnant lady.

I do a quick scan of the surrounding; no seats available; no one looks as though they r willing to give up their seats anytime soon; the pregnant lady is gradually positioning herself near me. Finally, she stopped and stood in front of the guy sitting beside me (The 3rd seat to the last). Still no one made a move. I quickly shut the thin slit that my eyes r looking out from and go back to sleep. (Yes, I'm an ugly Singaporean)

After 1 stop, I opened up a thin slit of my eyes to survey the surrounding. The pregnant lady is still standing at where she was. No one made a move yet. A quick peek to the left and right reveals that both guys were sleeping. The guy on the last seat had his head leaning against the glass panel somemore. Just when I closed my eyes again, I heard a guy clearing his throat loudly. It was this uncle who's standing in front of the guy in the last seat. Obviously he was trying to display his civic-minded-ness.

After a series of "ahem", I must assumed that still no one moved. Because what came next was this: Uncle decided to blast his radio at full blast. An orbit chinese song (not exactly sure who's the singer, but sounds like someone who's past his prime and went into retirement, only to realise he had run out of money, n so is trying a comeback) blared out from a mini radio that he is carrying at full volume.

Now this irritated me. So Uncle has decided that he must play hero and shame those who refuse to give up their seat for the pregnant lady. I took another quick peek to my sides. The guy with his head on the glass din even flinch. So now all the 'sleeping' passengers would attempt to be even more convincing that they r truly asleep. So if Uncle Heroic was looking for effect, he had just lost it completely. Which 'sleeping' guy would at this moment stand up and offer the lady her seat with the whole train's eyes on them?

Well, I dunno, maybe cos I'm a result-oriented person, that's y I felt this way; that Uncle Heroic just destroyed what he hopes to achieve thru a rather dumb plan. Should he really feel so strongly abt this, shdn't he just tap on the shoulder of a 'sleeping' guy and ask him to offer his seat to the pregnant lady? More often than not, the guy would likely give up his seat, albeit not necessarily willingly. So seeing that his 'ingenius' plan din even cause a stir, Uncle Heroic has no choice but to tone down the volume of his radio to a lower but still highly irritable level.

Moral of the story: Some pple dun use brain. Most Singaporeans are not ugly (This is actually the first time that I witness no one giving up their place to a pregnant or elderly person) I could probably give 101 reasons to explain y I did not offer my seat, but then again... let's just say that I'm an ugly Singaporean n get it over n done with. =P

Ignorance No More

"I kiss you because I like you."

"Huh? Suddenly u msg me tis dun scare me leh.."

"I know you know all along, but u just choose to not know."

"Sometime certain is better not to noe. Dun u think else it will b v odd esp when u noe i got bf"

"Good nite..."

"Good Nite :-)"

Feigning Ignorance

Today she asked me what does the kiss mean. I dunno how to ans her.

Retro Nite At Dbl O

Hmm... Audrey commented that my blog is a sad blog. Sad to say, I've to agree with what she said. =(

I started this blog cos I dun usually confide in frens abt my heartaches. So decide to pen it down here before the bottle burst... hehe. But I guess that must change. I'm different from the me in 2004, when I started this blog. I'm so much of a happier person now. I think I really have too much negative feelings trapped in me the past few yrs. Especially the 2 yrs following my break-up with Min. I got so much hatred in me that I couldn't even start a relationship proper.

So for a start, let's make this a happy entry. To date, I've not had an enjoyable time at Double O. But yest nite makes all the diff. It was Regina's birthday celebration at Dbl O, and initially few of us Supplies guys were supposed to go down. Then Joe and Melvin decide not to go, n Agatha said she's gonna reach quite late. So while I was on the train down, I decide to try to beat the 9pm cover charge at Union and sneak down for a short while. I knew Serene prob wun be there, cos she told me she's watching fireworks. Well I tot I wouldn't even be seeing her for this weekend. Haven seen her since she came back from Bintan. She asked me to go down to Terence's place on fri nite, but in the end I din go. I also can't explain y I refuse. I badly wanted to see her, but I guess I just din want it to take place at Terence's place.

So I hung ard at Union for a short while and then took a cab down to Dbl O. Then she sms me asking me where I'll be. I told her I'll be at Dbl O n asked her if she wana join me, to which she surprisingly agreed. So I spent the initial part of the nite playing games with Regina n gang, anxiously awaiting her arrival. Somehow, deep in the pits of my heart I've a nagging feeling that she'll just call it off n said she's not coming. But somehow, she came. =)

Oh.. and another thing. I finally found a place with my era type of music on a sat nite. Retro all the way. Yeah! Quite reminiscent of the numerous Mambo nites at Zouk, seeing the little kiddies with all their hand signals on the platform. So I was mainly alone with Serene the whole nite. Not since a long time has 2 person clubbing been so enjoyable for me. If only they played "Once In A Lifetime", then I would feel the magic again.

So all the high point eventually ended with a low point, when she said she wun be going back to Boon Lay for the nite. Spending her nite at what she called her 2nd home. I suppose it have to be her bf's place. I din ask her abt it, because there r some things which I do not like to hear. So I dropped her off and went home.

What becomes of this "distraction"?


First attempt at combined pic. A bit unprepared. My mouth is filled with ice, and Serene's looking a tat like Bugs Bunny.


2nd attempt at combined pic. Lovely picture. isn't it? My distraction.

What The Fuck Am I Doing Here?

Have you ever found urself in a position where u r with a whole grp of pple partying, having fun, basically just having a good time, and then u were suddenly reminded that you actually dun know much abt the majority of the pple and they r pple whom u just got to know. And in ur mind's eye, u wonder aloud "What the fuck m I doing here?" Not in a bad way, but just the incredulous feeling that you r genuinely having fun, but with pple who r slightly a bit more than strangers.

Ever since I started working, I found myself being in this position more and more. Not cos of work of coz; coz of the activities I joined after I started work. Mainly salsa. The rate of my social circle growth is expanding at an exponential rate ever since salsa. Sth I enjoy is the camaderie with the grp. That you have a regular grp of pals available for various activities.

I sense I may get expelled from the grp soon. It might just be my paranoia, knowing that I'm in a position of social taboo currently, being seemingly interested in Serene. Is she really just a distraction? I seriously doubt anything might blossom between us, given the intense competition and the bottomline being she is attached, though I dun hear much regarding the supposed bf. He seems missing in action. I haven done salsa at union in a long time. But I asked Serene to dance. If she isn't special, I dunno who is. I dun feel I'm being unethical, if she will like me, she will. If she chooses someone else, I'll accept it.

It might not even be a good idea to pen this down, not knowing if anyone in the salsa grp might be reading this. Like the shock I have when I realised Michelle (colleague) is reading my blog.
But heck, so be it. I'm know to be above concerns of social and peer views. I'm an island anyway.

Just Some Fucked-Up Shit

I'm getting more and more fed-up with my job and all the crap that comes along with my "beloved" customer from mainland. I haven't had a weekend without disturbance for months. Something would just seem to go wrong every Friday evening and fucked up my weekend. And they have to call me on weekend mornings to tell me some crapshit which I already known. And it would not only be 1 phonecall. It would be a few of them, just to say the same old crapshit all over again. Come on, if it's not anything new, fuck the early morning calls and let me get my rest. And I know someone up there is thinking I'm not doing a good job with my program, and at the same time still assigns me to take over some other guy's program which is now in a mess and expects me to clean up the shit for him, while he gets all the recognition. This is life. But I've no intention to take shit from no one. I can tolerate the non-recognition but anything further than that, you're pushing ur luck. When need be, "screw you guys, I'm going home~"

I feel that I'm in a crossroad in my life in every aspect all over again. Fed up with my job, stuck in limbo with my social life, non-existent is my love life. I've taken salsa for almost close to a yr now, but currently I'm pretty much considered a drop-out student. I longed to anyhow grab a gal and hit the dance floor like everyone else, but I'm still not at that level, despite having picked up salsa for so long. Maybe I'm just not meant to dance, or maybe in the first place I appraoched salsa with a lackadaisical attitude. More like some activity to pass time than a passion. Salsa resolutions: retake the intermediate levels and hit the salsa dance floor all over again. Master Bachata and Rueda.

Now now, what's there to speak of of a love life that is non-existent? I'm back to my old ways already, enjoying the pleasures of singlehood. Jesslyn was but a flash-in-the-pan. (and a pain-in-the-ass) Gals, they come and they go. Prob I had some external help, with Serene being a healthy distraction. But then again, perhaps it's not really that healthy, with she being attached and having another of my fren sort of interested in her. I'll be fine if I dun allow myself to fall, so long everything is still within my control. Just a distraction.

Happy Birthday After All !

If I had said it once, I'd say it again. The Beast will be back, and he is now back.

Just some last remnants of the Andy-Jess affair. She deleted me from her Frenster. Then I saw her on msn 1 day with comments beside her nick : "Hehe... My deardear is the BEST!" I checked her Frenster profile. In A Relationship. Not to say I did not expect this. In fact I knew it's gonna be sth like this anytime. Sometimes gals can be just so full of bullshit. Especially little gals like her. Well, be it. I'm not much affected. When things come to such a stand, it's no longer a case of being over it. It's more like she's not worth it.

My birthday came and went in a subtly eventful way. Early in the morning before I reach work, got a call from my sup asking me where I was. They actually got a card for me for my birthday. Sth unexpected, from a seemingly dull office enviroment. Haha. As the day goes on, the birthday sms started to trickle in. I must say Frenster played a big part in this. Serene left me a bday testimonial. After work was Rueda time. They remembered as well. Qi Xiao bought me sth too. All these sms and little gestures. It does mean sth to me.

Thank you,
Hanxi, Lewis, Eugene, Sok, Duckie, Cynthia, Serene, Hui, Min, Kit, Nicolette, Pris, Christine, Qiqi, Sandy, Michi, Vivian, Fab, Qi Xiao, Johnny, Ai Chin, Ellen, Zhaojun.
To all those who care.

Some photos from my mini birthday celebration at Settlers' Cafe with JC mates.

A normal looking grp photo. =)

Whack the birthday boy!

One with the hunks

One with the babes

We played Cranium (Duckie's crazy over this game) , and Monopoly LOTR edition. It was pretty fun (I bought Mount Doom already leh.... It was the Mayfair spot on normal Monopoly), but Duckie keep pressing for a change of game. Somehow, Cranium doesn't seem to be my game. The few times I played all on the losing team. After the games, we went to Essential Brew for some tea on a rainy day.

(Un)Happy Birthday?

I have pretty much come to terms with the end of the relationship. We had a talk over the phone on Thur nite, which made me see that there was no way I could have made her stay. The situation is just that futile; she being barely 20 and stuffs. There's gonna be a lot more changes ahead even if it did not end now. Now, I've just got to get my hp back from her and the chapter can be closed. I'm having mixed feelings abt this. I dunno how I'd feel when I see her. I rather I don't see her, if just for maintaining the peace in my mind now. But then again, so be it lah. I'd prob run into her in CCK numerous times in the future. Get used to it soon least I run into her holding someone else's hand.

The past weekend was eventful. Helped Hanxi celebrate Serene's birthday at West Coast park along with her frens. It was meant to be sort of a surprise to her. Me and 3 other of her frens, Blythe, Michelle and Weiqi stationed ourselves at West Coast Park and arranged a heart shape with candles on the sand. Then Hanxi brought Serene and after that we all stayed at Mac to watch the remaining of the England Vs Portugal match. Well, even if i can't be happy, at least I can help other couples be happy.

My birthday comes exactly 10 days after hers. Actually to me, birthdays are ntg special, especially at this age. Don't really have the intention to throw a grand party or paint the town red. But Jess did ever suggest while we were still together to celebrate my birthday together. She asked me what I wanted for present, which I told her that I don't need presents. We'll just go for a date, movie n dinner or sth to that effect. Another time she even asked me what kinda cake I want. Gone with the wind. Gone is her heart.

Guess no matter what I do now on that day, I'll still be blanketed by the thought of her celebrating birthday with me. Just let it pass uneventfully, it's only 1 day.

Hiatus

Monday was a bad day. I saw it coming all along somehow. We quarelled on Saturday, after she went Sentosa. We broke up over the phone, after which we agreed to give it another shot over the phone as well. She agreed to meet me when she reach CCK. It nv happened. She said she was tired and wana go home instead. I told her I'll be going down to Union Square. I got myself so dead drunk on beer that I concussed outside Union Square on the floor.

Sunday. We initially agreed to meet. Maybe to talk things out. Maybe just to go out just like normal. Agreed to go for a movie at Suntec. Meet ard 430pm. It was pushed to 530pm. It was cancelled cos she feeling too tired. I asked her to come over to my place. She said see how later. It din happen. She said we'll meet for dinner tomolo after work instead. I knew she was pushing it.

Monday. Late afternoon I asked where she wana go n eat. She said she doesn't feel like eating, not hungry. I asked if we're gonna meet later. She said she dunno. I knew she doesn't wana meet anymore. She doesn't wana tell me face-to-face that she wants a break up. I knew she's thinking of that. It happened anyway.

I can't work well the entire day. I took 2 days leave on Tue and Wed. I need time to sort out my feelings; to get back to life without Jess. A hiatus, I'd call it. Abeit a short one. I hope it helps me get back on my life. I still gave her morning calls for the past 2 days. She did not pick up but she did sms me afterwards.

How long would this take? The road to recovery again...

For My Dear

For my dear Jess

我真的受伤了

窗外阴天了 音乐底声了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了 音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了

窗外阴天了 人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了
电话响起了 你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了 是你变了

灯光熄灭了 音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了 人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了

Misery

1 mth into the relationship and it's almost over. Jess feel our characters are not suitable for each other. I know that we do have our differences, I can feel it too. She does not feel for me the way a gf should feel for a bf. I can feel that too. But we are only a mth into this relationship. Shdn't we give ourselves more time to know each other better?

I tot I can be nonchalent abt this relationship. But when I hear it coming from her; the real nonchalence in her voice. "I'll return you your things with me, and I'll return the money you lend me. You give me your bank account no." At that pt, I knew I lost.

What really hurt me is this; she said with her previous bfs, the first mth is always the honeymoon phase. But with us, there's no honeymoon phase. For this relationship, I tried my very best to be the best bf that I can be. But it is still not enough to earn that bit of feelings from her. The feeling of being a bf.

If You Can't Bear To End A Relationship, Then Don't Start It

I'm paying the price again, but I'll see the light again.

The Week After

1 week into my attached life, I found that it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. Unexpected, but glad certainly. The only change in my life is that now I've got someone to constantly sms and call. Now comes into play my ability to manage time between my gf and frens. The previous few times I had a gf, I practically cut myself off from my frens. It happened with Xiaowei and Huimin on both occassions that we were together. This time round, hopefully it'll be a bit different.

Jess wants her own social life, and I hope to preserve mine as well; sth like a less restrictive relationship. For the 1 week that we were together, she have gone out with her own frens instead of meeting me on 2 occassions. Though I'm fine with it, but the pangs of jealousy will still hit at the beginning. I'll have to soothe my own mind and tell myself that it is for the best of both parties. Of coz I'll still be worried when she's out with other guys; most guys have got their own agenda too. Takes 1 beast to know another eh? Haha

Attached

The curse has been broken.

After I broke up with Min 6 yrs ago in 2001, this is the first time I'm holding another gal's hand whom I can call my girlfriend. Ok, I'm discounting a lot of things here. Haha. I did hold Min's hand again in 2003, but she is essentially the same person. I held Shannon's hand but I did not regard her as my gf, and I held Princess' hand and both of us did not treat eash other as bf/gf. Well, so that kind of make her the first after 6 years.

But then..... it does feel kinda weird. To be holding a gal's hand again after all these years. To start the "getting to know each other" phase all over again. In some ways, I must say I sort of forgotten how to be a bf. I'm simply too used to the carefree ways, and when with Min, it was different cos I knew her virtually all my life, ntg there for me to get used to. I'm still trying to be myself totally when we are together, trying to establish the flow between us cos I think we're still pretty raw to each other. (What do u expect, when we only known each other for 1 week.)
I felt pretty dumb at times, gotta give way and humour a 20 yr old when I'm at a grand old 26.
Prob that comes with being a bf, regardless of age, but somehow I still feel undermined.

To start things off, it was weird cos it happened by sms. We confirmed our status via sms, and yest was the first time out as a couple. I have qualms abt the serious-ness of this relationship, cos I started it off on the wrong note, by being a big cai-tao. (As usual, what's new?I think I one-up Eugene again... haha) If this relationship is built on the basis of a cai-tao bf, I'm afraid it's not gonna last very long. Well, this is sth which remains to be seen.

Andy The Condemned

Sometimes I think I deserved to be condemned; for how fast I switch my attention from 1 gal to another. Starting from last yr, first it was Liz, then to Gillian, then to Vellene, then to Jessie, then to Cynthia, then to Priscilla, then now to Michelle. All within the span of 1.5 yrs. I think no gals can stand that. If only they knew abt it. I guess I just can't build up sth on a consistent basis whenever I see that it might go nowhere. There was once upon a time in my life when I would have just waited or tried and tried and tried till I couldn't try any more. That was in JC 2 with Sandy. Maybe I got scared after that. Hate me if you must, I guess it's just me...

Today there was an KTV outing with Jianping, Johnny, Shaun and 2 other gals whom I just got to know yest nite at Union Square. Everything was nice n well, till nearing the end of the outing when I just have to screw it up. I made some dumb-ass statement to 1 of the gal which culminated in her being extremely pissed and upset. After which they left earlier as it would have gotten too awkward to stay together further. I really do not know, n do not have the intention nor bearing any ill-will in what I said. Just the usual crap that I churned out when I'm in my bosterious mood. Things that were meant to be heard and forgotten.

Who knows that would result in her being upset. At first I was feeling pretty nonchalent, as I felt it wasn't my fault. There was no way in hell I could have known abt it. Nonetheless, I sms her using JP's hp to apologise. But till I reached home, I was still feeling pretty fucked up abt the whole incident. I wanted someone to talk to, n Michelle have to fly my plane after agreeing to meet me n I have bought her tau hway. Hell...

The Future; What Does It Holds?

Oh well, just when I tot she will mysteriously disappear, she appear again right that nite on msn and started andy-ing me. So she's back again, and I think my paranoia got the better of me the other time; to cause me to even be slightly upset. Ok, must get this right again. I'm the player, not the one being played. No emotions attached. (How can I violate my own rule that I told Laling.. haha.. nv allow the gal to feel that you are even a tiny bit hard up for her) Or maybe I'm just a coward. Laling said that I always tend to back out when it's time to get serious. Actually I knew that too, just that I feel more confident when I'm simply fooling ard than when I get serious. So just let it be lah... I really dun wan to care anymore. Just do what I feel like when I feel like it. Live for the moment !

Anyway, just to backtrack a little while to sth interesting that happened last week while I was with Michelle. We went out for lunch at an Indian restaurant at Upper Bt Timah called Indian Banana Leaf Restaurant. It was actually pretty good, just that it left me with a real upset tummy for the next several days. Then while we were there, she said she wanted to take me to see this fortune teller woman that she's been to. At first I refused, cos I'm really not too into all this. But she just keep asking n asking till I just decide to give in n go have a look for myself. So we made our way to Beauty World PLaza where her shop was situated.

Alright, the following is what she told me. The first part is based on my date and time of birth, cross reference with some books she has. After giving her my birth details, she started off asking if I have purchase any car, hse, etc this yr. Well, of coz no to all, till she got ntg else to ask n ask if I bought hp, which in fact I did. Then the advice was to go n buy 4D with my hp number. (Guys, dun bother to do it if u r reading this now cos that was actually 2 weeks ago already. The numbers would have struck last week shd it be true. I din check of coz. haha) The next thing she said abt my personal life really jolted me. It spooked me, pissed me, irritated me, fucked me up, whatever u wana call it. She infered that someone in my family will pass away this yr, be it myself or my parents. Either that or I'm going overseas for a long period sort of thing. That got me a bit worked up, cos if that's what u have to say then u might as well fuck off and die. Well, it's 1 thing if u predict sth bad abt myself, cos i'm not likely to be bothered by it. But it's another thing totally if u get my family involved. I wun be able to just shrug it off like if it was abt myself. Nonetheless, I kept my cool and just get on with the fortune telling. I'm not gonna let myself be fazed by this. She went on to other things:

Career. She said I'm suitable for starting my own biz as my mind is shrewd enough; that I have intention to quit my current jog but instead shd hold on n not quit within this yr; my career would be at its peak when i'm 42 yrs old, prob that is ard when I should start my own biz or earlier.

Love life. In my life, gals would be very nice to me. My future wife would be someone from overseas, and I would get married at 31. (That would simply make my chee hong-ing locally come to ntg but naught. Hell... let's not waste any more efforts then. Haha) Even if I were to get married or attached before then, it would not be meant to last.

Health. She told me not to buy car this yr, and shd preferably avoid driving even. (Shucks, what's gonna happen to my car rental!)

General. I'm someone who would look for sources of physical pleasure when I'm single. (Reads: would pay for sex) And she has to say this in front of Michelle. Damn! She went on to amend her statement, saying that I'm someone who enjoys night life a lot, always going clubs and pubs and bars and ktv, etc

Past life. I'm an Indian! A religious one at that. So this life, I have affinity with Indians, that Indians get along well with me and Indian gals would tend to like me. (!!!!)

Next she asked if I want to read my palms. (This actually cost me another 20 bucks which I did not know initially) She took a look at my left palm, and told me sth shocking; that I had intended to get married during my early 20s. I dunno what to think. It's true that I do think of marrying Min that time, but then again, which couple dun inevitably think of marriage?

Lotsa other miscellaneous stuffs that she mentioned which I din really retain in my mind. Then Michelle also wanted to have her palms read. So she told her that her prince charming is someone who's already in her life rite now. So the silly took it to meant her current bf and kept pressing her for confirmation. And what she can give r just vague answers that do not address the qn specifically. So that made my silly gal so happy. WTH?

Sometimes, pple would sub-consciously live their life the way the fortune-teller told them it would play out. Basing their decisions in life on what the fortune-teller had dictate abt their life. Just like how it works with horoscope. Pple would unknowingly start to behave in the way their horoscope says of their characteristics. That is how these kinda think affects pple. It really gets into their mind. Even for a non-believer like myself, I can't totally get rid of what she said after hearing it. But I'm not gonna succumb to that. I am a firm believer of ntg else but myself. The man of indomitable will. Period.

Goodbye

All good things must come to an end. I'm putting a stop to it. It can't go on like this. I dun wish to have any more of this kind of relationship.

There's no other way, than to say goodbye... Michelle

Drive Cai

At 25 plus yrs of age, I did my first 'drive cai out to play' ! The end result, to put it simply, is a big hole in my pocket and an after feeling of which can't be put in words, but can only be described by the expressionless emoticon on msn. (u all shd know which one, the one i always used. haha) And when it comes to driving, u just cannot discount the bobo-ness that might happened to me. My pts shd have gone down quite a few notches in her mind, as she had to direct me the road directions the majority of the time. Well, can't be helped. There has always got to be a first time. Better get discounted with Michelle now than any other gals in the future, as I'm quite comfortable with her nontheless.

Ok, this is going to sound like an episode out of "Starving Emily", directed and produced by King of Cai Tao, Eugene Lee. But after the screening of my episode, I'll be in running contention with Eugene for Oscar award for Cai Tao of the year. It all started out with a simple KTV session at kbox at Lot 1. This is the 1st time I'm meeting her anyway, and she wants to go sing. Kbox on a sat nite; 1st mistake.

Michelle doing a Rainie Yang. (Note the red fingernails)

The ktv session ended pretty early, which got us thinking abt what we're gonna do next. She asked if I could take the car, which I couldn't decline. Declining would prob means cab or home. 2nd mistake. (Come to think of it, maybe cab isn't such a bad idea after all) A few options came up: catch Ice Age 2. Go Zouk. (WTF!!! I shot down this idea within 1 sec) Go enjoy some live band and a drink. (Wala Wala, Indochime Wisma, Timbre) Go for supper. (Arab street, Bt Timah) We decided to Wala Wala in the end. (seriously I wasn't in the mood to go too far) Ok, now the 1st problem arise; I wasn't sure of the route to Holland V. I could prob make my way there if given time on my own, but I did not have this luxury now. So I drove till SIM there and she had to direct me the rest of the way.

The time spent at Wala's was short. We reached and went on top for the live band, which happened to be taking a break at the moment. So we head downstairs fo a drink.

Me & Michelle at Wala's.

We headed upstairs again when we heard the live band starting. The atmosphere upstairs is very good I must say. The live band is good, and there were pple getting out of their seats and dancing to the rythm even. After only abt 15 min there, she said she wanted to leave! (Why! I love live bands!) Mainly cos we have no seats on top. Pretty crowded. =( But I'll be back at Wala's. Definitely.

Now comes more probs. We were looking for a place for supper. She said she likes Indian food, and there's a lot at Arab Street. (Fuck. Where the fuck is Arab Street???) She said she knows the way, so ok, we're on our way again. But..... we ended up lost. We turned into a desolate stretch of derelict shophouses, of which all r closed. Heck. So off we go, topo-ing rd the area trying to find somewhere recognizable to go. In the end, buay tahan already, so I just suggest we backtrack where we come from, and canstop by at Bt Timah there to have supper. But somehow someway, as we were backtracking we happened to pass by Bugis, and she was able to locate Arab Street. Well.. so there we go... Arab Street...

So what remains at Arab Street at 2am in the morning? Not many shops still open, a few Indian cafes here and there. We saw this nice Arabic Cafe still functioning, and decided to check it out. Hmm... this cafe... is really pretty unique a place. Genuine Arabic theme and style. Michelle wanted to try this big cigar smoking aka opium inhaling thingy called a Shisha that they have there. Pity I forgot to take a pic of that contraption. They have different flavors like strawberry, grape, apple, chocolate, coffee, etc. We had a cuppuccino flavor in the end. They had this huge thing like a opium pipe from the past where u have to suck on it. Take it liek a cigarette. There is actually smoke when we exhale, and then what we get is just cuppuccino flavor in your mouth after that.

Decor at the Arabic cafe. A huge golden tin pan hanging on the pillar wall, which keeps swaying in the wind. A bright lamp with unique carvings hanging at the top.

Michelle at the Arabic cafe. The drink in front of her is called an Arabic Ice Tea, which tastes exactly like a normal ice tea.

More path-finding on our way back, which she guide me till we reach Orchard and I can make my way back on my own. I took her back to Windermere and then packed the car at Yew Tee and walked home. The results tally at the end of the day: big hole in pocket. 50 pts down in pts. (She did tell me I already scored 50 pts just being able to talk well with her) So back to 0 pts now. =)

PS : There's ntg to the red fingernails part. She's not a stewardess. Just sth I put in to throw my buddy off track. Wahahaha...

E-Lot?

Ok, time for sth crappy and a bit overdue. Recently there was this email circulating ard office which is actually an electronic lot-drawing (chinese type of draw lots. Qiu Qian) program. So Everyone had a go at it, n guess what.... I have to end up drawing the xia xia qian.

楚霸王阴陵失道
守静安静安分无尤不须贪望自有优游此笺
意滞之象凡是待时仔细小心

路险马行人去远 失群羊困虎相当
危滩船过风翻浪 春暮花残天降霜

交易 失败 家宅 尤疑 行人 阻 疾病 设送
婚姻 不久长 六畜 损 六甲 危险 失物 不见
求财 破失 田蚕 损 山坟 不利 移徒 莫动
自身 灾 寻人 省 讼词 亏

第六十六首

电网关地庙

Looks bad rite? Lemme try to decipher what it actually means:

楚霸王阴陵失道
Literal translation:
Chin Shi Wang losing his way in times of darkness
(So I'm Chin Shi Wang eh? I will get misguided along my way and take the wrong path?)

守静安静安分无尤不须贪望自有优游此笺
意滞之象凡是待时仔细小心
Literal translation:
Keep the silence, be quiet, contended and free from worries. No need for greed, good things shall come naturally. Exercise caution in situations which appears stable.

路险马行人去远 失群羊困虎相当
危滩船过风翻浪 春暮花残天降霜
Literal translation: (This is the best part of the lot)

The road which the horse travelling on is dangerous, and it will take me to a faraway place. (China?)

The lost sheep is trapped in the midst of the tigers. (The China pple are going to eat me up?)

The ship is sailing through dangerous shores and gailing storm. (Wah.. got more difficult path or not...)

In the dusk of spring, the flowers wither and frost is falling. (Damn cold scene)

Come on ! My future really got that bad or not !!!


交易 失败 家宅 尤疑 行人 阻 疾病 设送
婚姻 不久长 六畜 损 六甲 危险 失物 不见
求财 破失 田蚕 损 山坟 不利 移徒 莫动
自身 灾 寻人 省 讼词 亏

Literal translation:
Trading/Biz : failure
Marriage : not lasting
Wealth : lose fortune
Self : disaster (gulp!)
Family : worries & suspicions
Livestock : suffer
Dunno what fuck is this : suffer
Looking for pple : save it
Passerbys : hinder
Dunno what the fuck is this either : dangerous
Dunno what's this (though literal translation would take it to mean 'Mountain tomb') : not good
Legal dispute : lose out
Sickness : too cheem to understand
Missing items : continue to be missing (duh)
Moving pple(???) : not to touch


第六十六首
Literal translation:
Lot number 66. (666? Mark of the beast?)


电网关地庙
Literal translation:
Internet temple.

Does it get any worse than this?

I printed out the E-Lot and pin it on my office desktop. I'll look u in the face everyday and see what u can do to me. This is how much I think of u.

WhizzCar !! Wheee.....

Haha.. this is gonna sound like an advertisement for WhizzCar. Anyway, I just signed up for a car rental service. I gotta re-familiarise myself with the road before I think abt owning a car. Anyway, this agency is gonna bond me for 1 yr, by then which I shd be able to afford a car. So I tried out my first car rental today, and it's going to turn out to be a real bobo.... Well, only at the start lah... hehe

The car was packed on the 4th floor of the multi-storey carpark at Yew Tee. My first car happened to be a Vios. So I digilently followed what's required of me, check the extire of the car for damages, blah blah blah, b4 attempting to drive the car out. And so I tot I better go a few rds in the multi-storey carpark b4 I proceed outside. My road rust is abt to show... Heh heh...

It's a auto car, so it's supposed to move when I release my foot brake, so I was a bit puzzled when it din move. So i stepped on the gas and true enough the car started to move. But there was this horrible skreeching sound which I din know the cause. So I got the car onto the slope leading to the next level, and then it just couldn't move anymore. I applied a little more pressure on the gas but it still wouldn't go. I was afraid to depress all the way as I din wan the car to fly off the building suddenly. So there I was stuck on the slope, not able to go up, and afraid to reverse down as well. Then it struck me that I din release the fucking HANDBRAKE !!! Damn, and the car can actually still move when I step on the gas n I can get it all the way up the fucking slope as well. WTF ! The skreeching sound was actually the rear tires that wasn't rotating.

Wah.. fucking big bobo. So I quickly release the handbrake and driving resumed as normal. Tried a bit of parking at the carpark first. Nv tried parking without the fucking poles. Did quite a bad job at first, but improved to be much better when I was back to return car later. So I drove back to cck and asked Mum to be my passenger as we go cruising nearby. Drove to Grandma's place at Jurong East and then to Bt Panjang for a rd b4 I dropped Mum off at home and went back to Yew Tee to return the car. But b4 that, I took a trip to Windermere to see if I can score sth with Michelle. I parked on the slope and called her, but she was out playing badminton at the moment. Bad timing. Anyway, doubt she'll be willing to come down and meet me if I just showed up impromptu like that. We chatted a while on the phone, and then just ended abruptly when it was her time to play. So I just went back to return the car and home I go. First individual driving experience. =)

Salsa By The Beach

I haven been blogging enough since I worked... Mainly too pre-oocupied during the weekdays, and too lazy during the weekends. Well, at least today there is sth memorable for me to blog abt.
Today was Salsa by the beach !

Was looking forward to this day for quite some time, mainly intrigued by how it is going to take place. Dance on the sand? Dance in beach wear? (Meaning bikinis, bikinis, and more bikinis.... heh heh...) However, I woke up today feeling rather reprehensive abt the whole thing. Cos I skipped salsa the previous nite, plus Lewis would not be going for the beach salsa. So that would mean me being a bit out of touch with salsa as well as with the pple there. Nonetheless, I decide to go for some tanning at Sentosa earlier in the day. I went alone anyway, as Eugene decided not to come. Michi joined me for a short while late in the afternoon. I haven catch up with her for a long while too. She's doing well, with her ebay biz and Crazy Horse job. I not too for her continuing the Crazy Horse, but I think the ebay would be a good venture. I wish I have some sideline at the moment too. It'll be hard surviving on just my fixed salary. I'm not banking much on my annual increment as everyone knows my company reputation when it comes to pay increment. Network marketing's not for me, and I dunno how to gain an entryway into stocks and shares. I lack the necessary financial backgrd as well... Think it'll be pretty hard. Anyway, she came just when 2 cai, of which 1 is a tua neh bu, decide to park beside the place I was lying. Talk abt bad timing.. wahaha (Sorry, Michi =P) Had a short swim b4 she went off n I carried on my wait for the beach salsa at nite.

It turned out to be not too bad after all; the event was held at Bikini Bar. The main dancefloor was actually just the area in front of the pub, which slowly extends to in front of Sakae Sushi and the ice cream parlor. I met the grp, consisting of Jianping, Johnny, Ellen, Renee, Ai Chin and fren at the sentosa terminal and we made out way there. Pris was not with them, but my heart ligthened when I saw Ellen there actually. The main dancefloor as usual was full with the pros and experts. We mainly did rueda during our time there. I found I like rueda more as compared to salsa. Prob cos I can't do salsa as well as the other guys there. I actually tot of taking intermediate level at some other studio, just to make myself practise more. All in all, it was a sticky, sandy, tiring nite, when we did rueda on the sands, played silly games similar as to orientation group times. There was a gal from Clarence's grp that caught my eye. Christine. Short, petite gal, with a face that reminds me of someone which I just quite can't put my finger on it at this moment. Maybe I'll catch her at Union 1 of these days.

We ended up walking out of sentosa as we missed the last bus. I really enjoyed the camaderie. I haven had this kinda grp fun for a long while. Ever since JC orientation days I guess. I have nv really felt as at ease with the JC class pple most of the times we have outings. It's a diff thing after some alcohol of coz, in which case I'll just be as crazy whoever I'm with.

Pris joined us a while later, and most of the time she's not with the grp. Think she was mostly doing salsa on the main floor. She simply has too many guys wanting to dance with her, and too many guy frens basically. I'm taking it a lot better today, as compared to some times at Union. Well, I told myself that I must take it easy with her. By not treating her as someone special, I can better click with her. No hopes, no expectations => no pressure. My mind's a bit on someone else as well; Michelle. (Not to be confused with Michi) My new dear online. More abt her another time.


Group photo of our salsa gang. (Some of which have MIA by now)


Our cranky "heads-tilt-to-the-right" pose.


Our Rueda-mania started way back, where we had our Rueda crash course conducted by Zhiguang and Clarence. Here I am, rueda-ing with Ai Chin.


Here's pretty Pris, with a glistening JP in the foreground.


Here's pretty Pris again, enjoying a dance with Clarence.


And here's the little lass I got to know that nite, Christine (on the far right). We drag her in for our Rueda crash course. She was later known as Miss Tng. =P

Alrite, tonite I revealed all the names of sensitive personnel which I normally would not reveal.
That's cos I've taken my blog link off my frenster. Heh heh heh.. so only the regular followers will know what's going on in my life. Part of the reason I haven been blogging is coz much of the things to blog r names which I can't reveal. Hence might as well dun blog. Well, no more of that!
Read all you wan, know all you want for now! Hell, I shall even ans ur queries if you bother to leave a msg.

You've Made A Fool Of Everyone... Me Mainly...

Look What You've Done

Take my photo off the world

If it just won't sing for you

'Cause all that's left has gone away

And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done

You've made a fool of everyone

Oh well, it seems like such fun

Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view

'Cause I just can't think for you

I can hardly hear you say

What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done

You've made a fool of everyone

Oh well, it seems like such fun

Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done

You've made a fool of everyone

A fool of everyone

A fool of everyone

I don't want to like you. I know I'd make a fool of myself if I do. But sometimes I can't help it. I dun ask you to dance cos I can't dance as well as others. I dun wan to be there all the time to feel the despair that I can't dance well enough to charm you. I longed to 1 day sweep u off your feet when we're dancing. That day will not come.

Groovy Baby

Salsa. Salsa. Salsa. That has been my driving force for the past 3 weeks. Is it love for the activity? Or is it some other reason? That's up for debate. Fridays are what I'm looking forward to every week; I even plan my Shanghai trip so as not to miss salsa class. Sat nites which used to be predominantly clubbing nites have became salsa nites for the past 3 weeks as well. And to think I used to think Lewis talks salsa, eats salsa, breathes salsa. It may just be a matter of time b4 I myself become like this. What's happening to me?

Just to close things up for some other chapters: The airport sweetheart/Lorraine saga is officially declared a bust. Her single sentenced sms replies rivals that of the great Daphne. Anyway, not to mislead anyone, but I have only send her a grand total of 2 sms. 2 sms and I can deduce the above. That tells pretty much abt the content of her replies. Until the next airport trip then, sweetheart... =P

Well..... abt Jessie. Ya, right. The same Jessie that I mentioned was on my mind the whole day in a few entries back. I haven seen her ever since the first nite actually... Mostly it's just crapping on msn, or trying to get each other to go club at some place but have nv yet to work out in any case. All in all, she's a nice gal to talk to, crap with, hang out buddy type. But I reckon better not to get too involved with her. Her life style prob could rival Michi's in terms of complications. I'm really not too suited (nor want to) for such biz anymore. Too taxing, too mind-wrenching, and mainly I dun see y I shd get myself involved in the 1st place.

Then there's still Vellene.... right? And of coz there's Miss C. Wrong. Haiz... also dunno how to say. This is working life I guess. It just doesn't allow u to try to date or even get to know someone more on a more regular basis.

So that's that for my scandalous love life. You would've expected sth more rite? Hahaha... Actually I'm holding back. Holding back from going all out. My approach is rather lackadasical. Prob that explains y none seems to work out. No one that could make me wana go all out. But I sense my downfall in her. Another Princess from Sengkang. Just what r the chances of that ? Damn.

(confused? not to worry, the clouds will clear in time to come.)

I've Got The Balls ~

Oh well, 6 mths after the first meeting, I finally qie my airport sweetheart. It wasn't really dramatic or awkward (to my amazement), but somewhere happened quite naturally. I touched down on Thur nite at abt 10pm. Initially, I wasn't even thinking of going to the duty free area to look ard as I was eager to get home, considering there's still work the next day. But when I reached the area, I just tot to myself "Just walk 1 rd if see if I might see her, it's not gonna take much time anyway". I was not expecting her as the previous few times I saw her was during the day time. So kind of expecting her to work the day shift.

I made 1 rd rd her usual area n saw ntg but little old ladies. Just when I tot it's time to go, I saw her. And she saw me too.

(The following dialogue is based on my vague memory of the conversation that took place, might not be the exact words, but more or less the same idea)

She was quick to say hi.

Lorraine: "Hello, can i help you?"

(I was kinda caught, so I just spoke whatever came to mind. Which happened to be the truth.)

Me: "Oh... I was just dropping by to see if I might see you ard."

Lorraine: "Oh izit? Where are you going this time?"

Me: "I just got back from Shanghai, erm... btw, do you remember who I am?"

(I know this sounds like an idiotic qn, but I gotta make sure you see?)

Lorraine: "Ya, of coz I do. I just can't remember where you told me you're going last time."

(Hmmm... how true it is that she remembered, I wun know. I shd have tested it out there and then. Shucks.)

Me: "Oh, I went to Shanghai also. it's the only place I've been going so far."

Lorraine: "Oic... it's nce of you to drop by to see me.. blah blah blah.."

The conversation went on to topics like what's the latest men's perfume, what time her shift ends, and other minor details. Till it was almost time to get going, I was still wondering how I could get some contact details and decide to maybe just fuck it. So I said:

Me: "I guess I shd get going." (Turn to go)

Lorraine: "Hey, I haven gotten your name yet."

(Fuck, it's now or never!)

Me: "Oh.. I'm Andy, and you r Lorraine rite? Eh... would u like to keep in contact?"

(That's it, the magic words are out)

Lorraine: ".... sure."

She actually asked for my card, but I din have any with me. Plus my card doesn't have my hp number anyway. So I just asked her for her number and said I'll give her a miss call later.

I turned and left, feeling like I have balls of steel. But in actual fact, I din really do anything. It simply just happened.

I dropped her a sms while I was on the cab on the way home, which she did not reply. Not too frenly for a start, but then today Pris just told me she replied my sms which I did not receive. Maybe it's my hp prob?

Work Work Work...

Work work work.... (sounds like what the peon said in Warcraft III? hehe) Yes. Work and more work. I'm been tasked with more n more stuffs, permanent projects, not the arrows like Kaizen and year-end function like last time. Well... isn't that a good thing? Frankly speaking, I feel I'm being under-utilized managing only 1 project. Feel that I dun even need to use half my potential. So isn't it a good thing now that I've got more?

Well... how shall I put this? I feel like I'm not being appreciated. My colleagues seemed to be the ones that r getting good reviews from my boss. Cos their customers are giving them more problems and henceforth has more job to be done. It's not my fault my program is running smoothly ya? Sheesh... I do have my fair share of probs too ya? Anyway, fuck it. The feeling of being under-appreciated makes me lose the drive to excel, to strife for more. I've been more or less in a slump lately, more looking forward to my fri and sat nites than at work.

I guess I better snap out of it. Work work work...

Life After Work...

Heh.. unknowingly, I have been blogging for more than a yr already. (Though recent entries r less frequent due to my hectic work which deprives me of anything interesting to blog abt) Ever since I started work, I've been thinking frequently abt upgrading myself; be it career-wise or social-wise. To learn new things, to pick up new hobbies and activities.

In terms of leisure, I start with picking up salsa. Unknowingly, I have already progressed till the middle of Intermediate level already, but still I feel like an amateur. Most prob the result of a lack of practise. I still dun have the confidence to just ask a gal for a dance, as I would not be spontaneous enough to execute just any moves that come to mind; to lead the gal without messing things up. I still rely too much on memorising or planning in mind what moves I wana do. The past few times at Union Square I did not really enjoy myself as I'm actually restricting myself, not daring to just ask someone for practise. Till last fri I was there. B4 I go I was still hesitating as I was expecting it to be just another boring session there. Then I just decide to fuck it and go n try to get as much out of my time there as I could.

Just as I was making my way to Union Square on the 2nd floor of Amara Hotel, I met Priscilla, 1 of only 2 gals in my Salsa class that's worth a 2nd glance. We chat as we made our way to Union, and somehow I felt that I would actually enjoy myself this nite. (A babe for company certainly helps any cause, u see?) Well, in the end I actually did enjoy myself that nite, just being pro-active and mixing ard with the pple from class that were there that nite. I'm even thinking of going on to learning Barcharta and Rueda after Salsa. They r planning a ktv outing next week, but very likely I'll have to miss that. Dunno what time I'll be back from Shanghai. =(

Apart from dance, I've developed a liking for live band performances. Any place for chilling and with a decent live band performing would be an ideal place for a weekend nite's out. Booze, smoke, music, babes. Hard to resist this kinda combination ya? I like the band outside Indochime at Wisma. The indoor female band isn't half bad as well. Yest just been to Timbre where the live band is similar to watching a concert. Loof is a very good hang out place as well, as a lack of live band.

Well... career-wise.... I would like to learn abt investing. Anyone who can give me any guidance or any courses I can attend? I would like to pick up financial accouting as well, would have took up the CFA course with Shuling had company not signed me up with a commerical law course, which I have no idea when it'll start.

In And Out Of Love

Judging by the title of this post, you mere mortals out there are likely to think its abt my love life again rite? Wrong. Well, for once at least. There simply hasn't been anything in the least interesting or scandalous abt my social life for the past few mths. I guess can say from the time I started working. So much so that I resorted to blogging abt my love stories in NTU, and just when I tot I can get sth going with Miss C, it got quenched just as fast.

The past few days, I literally witnessed the demise of my buddy who fell out of love. The scene is eerily reminiscent of what happened 1 yr plus ago (not happened on me, it's happened on him as well), just maybe worse this time rd. He just can't help but to destroy his chances of getting back together at every opportunity he has. Not that I could have done any better if I was in his shoes. I went thru this before, and every attempt or stunt that I try to pull, it brings her further and further away from me and deeper and deeper into someone else's arms.

Cooling off period. Might as well call it break-up. Period. Ntg good has ever come out of a cooling-off period that I heard of. It is just an excuse to allow the party that wanted out to have time to get accustomed to singlehood again; during that time off which she can chose to go back to the guy if she dislikes the imminent singlehood, or to simply assimilate a single's lifestyle if she prefers it that way. Sounds unfair? Well, this IS unfair. This is life. The real world as I like to call it.

So many infamous quotes were thrown out during times of depressions like this. I only subscribe to 2 of them which I always tell my close frens who suffers from relationship break-ups.

Door of Happiness

"When the door of happiness closes on you, another opens. But often, we looked so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us"

Serenity Prayer

"God gave me the courage to change the things that I can, and the serenity to accept the things that I cannot, and the knowledge to tell the difference"

There's a even simpler one with only 3 words. Life goes on...
It might sound so damn cliched, but these 3 simple words reflects the truth so much that it
hurts.

Brother, this entry is for dedicated for you. You sms me the Door Of Happiness quote when I broke up with Min in 2001 and I remembered it till today. I hope you can put it to good use now. Get your feet back on the ground soon.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Went to Queensway with Lewis the other day to accompany him to buy PS2. The new version so sleek and small, make my bulky old counterpart look like shit. But1 thing is, its cd rom is the open up type, not the sliding type. Might be prone to failure easily i tot. Anyway, b4 we got there, we took a walk ard IKEA cos he wanted to buy a box to contain all his momentos from JC times, sec sch times, etc. He found a metal container, and I bought 1 for myself too seeing that it was quite cheap and nice.

So where is all this box-buying leading to, and how is it related to the title of this entry?

Well, yesterday I was sorting out all my old letters and cards and stuffs from JC and sec sch times - to be chucked into my new blue metal box and be relegated to oblivion. But just b4 relegation, I just decide to open up a few and read thru it. A walk down memory lane. It brought back more than just memories, mostly the letters that I received in JC.

During that time, I corresponded with a number of pple: mainly Meifang, Kaixin, Hilda, and of coz Xiaowei. I read all the Xiaowei letters first. Well, our letters were mainly abt our arguments. Usually after we quarrel, we'll end up writing letter to each other, to tell each other how disappointed we r. And I actually have quite a few of those letters. There were some after we broke up too. ( mainly she wrote to me to tell me how lousy I am)

I started writing to Meifang and Kaixin in yr 2 of JC. Corresponded the most with Meifang. We wrote countless letters to each other during that 1 yr, and subsequently for a part of 1999 while I was in the army and yet to have Min as a gf. I guess gradually stopped writing after I got attached. And partly cos of the emergence of internet at home and the purchase of a handphone. More modes of communications are made possible thru these 2 inventions. When we can simply sms or chat online with frens instead of snail mail of the past and phonecalls. (And it is exactly these that made me lose my infamous chee hong skills)

Reading thru these letters, 1 fact stared me in the face. I have changed. Changed into someone completely different from who I used to be back in those days. Most prob pple would ask "Got meh?" Of coz the exterior hasn't changed, I still joke ard and crap ard with everybody on the preface. But it's my mind that's changed. Guess no one really knows me much from the past, as is the present. Actually I believe even until today, my close frens dun really know the real me.

I used to be a dreamer. I used to believe in love. My mentality was pure and to a extent, naive. I used to like to express how I feel thru song lyrics (I still do now, just that I don't tell pple abt it) I love to do that, cos it seemed so poetic, so coincidence that someone is singing what's happening to you. Now I'm a cynic. When it comes to love, I'm skeptical. Maybe it's what I went thru. Maybe it's what I witness from my frens and the pple ard me. I became a realist. In a sense, this is the real world. No longer like the world we imagine when we were still innocent teenagers at sch. Well, at least I'm prepared for the real world now. (which was after I went thru whatever that came my way)

Back To Square One

Back to square one. Lalala ~

I'm Reduced To A Wreck Again

I'm a miserable wreck....

I'm finding mounting pressure on myself whenever I chat with Miss C. It's affecting me like how it was during the first time with Gillian. So the conversation always ended up sounding kinda polite and formal, hard to establish the flow which comes with simply relaxing and talking crap.
This is preventing me from even trying to call and chat on the phone. If I can't even get sth going online, what r the chances of doing it over the phone?

Y m I suffering from this again? I tot I'm pass that phase already. Or is liking her really putting on that much pressure on me? I'll have NIL chances if I dun even make phone calls to her. Now I can just talk crap with Miss J online, since the crush has already passed. The prob lies with Miss C now. Y is it always like this?