FYP Fever

Back to FYP now that the exams r over. Finally I got some clear directions from Prof Seet regarding my FYP. First things first: interim report due on 29th Nov. Come up with the content page for the final report and the 1st chapter, consisting of the background, on exoskeleton. Next, come up with the prototype of the interface between the exoskeleton and the arm n back surface. Next, come up with the prototype of the mechanized movement of the arm, powered by a motor, incorporating the interface sensors in it. Finally, a theory paper on the fabrication of the entire exoskeleton arm. Sounds like a daunting task. Haven even started on the interim report yet.

I'm trying to numb my feelings now by engrossing myself in my FYP. Somehow it doesn't seem to be working very well. She's still not taking my calls and I haven seen her on msn for 2 days already. Must u really go to this extent?

Stuck in the lib now, trying to do come up with sth for the background on exoskeleton. I can't help but be reminded of the times when we corresponded on msn ever so often. I would leave my msn on while I went for lessons, and after lessons I will be so eager to go back to the lib to chat with her n see if she has left me any msgs. I guess those were the best times of my life this yr. Now I'm left with an emptiness in my mind, devoid of feelings for anyone except her.

End Of Exams

Finally the exams have ended. I think I started studying too early this sem, start of Oct I started already. Plus the exam period spanned over 3 weeks. So all in all, the high stress period is almost 2 mths long. It was a bit too much for me to take. Finally rid of this burden today. Yet I dun feel any happiness.

I wanted so much to see her today. I wanted to share my joys with her, that the exams r finally over. She refused to see me. I dun even know when she will be willing to meet me again. Maybe never. How did things come to this stand? I really have no idea. It was still ok when I accompanied her to Suntec. Now it turned bad again. or worse.

Kit asked me to just occasionally leave her a sms. But I really cant bear not to contact her. So bad that the 1st day itself I already called her at nite. Yest I called her twice also. Once when I was studying in sch, n at nite when I was abt to sleep. Today I called her again, when I was in Clementi, hoping that she would meet me. I dunno if I'm overdoing it, such that she might really get sick of me 1 day.

My appetite hasn't been good the past few weeks after these things happened. I've nv been so affected that I can't eat. I remember the worst was when min left me in 2001, when I went without a meal for a day. I actually din eat for 3 days that time over the incident with eric. And recently on n off also been skipping meals for whole days, whenever I get affected.

Its 12+ midnite now. I din msg her tonite, n i dun think she will msg to tell me that she's home either. What's gonna happen eventually?

Please Dun Try So Hard To Say Goodbye

Sometimes I can't help but be amazed by my gut instinct. I guess the candle blew out again yest. Today she told me that she wants to be alone for the meantime. I'd be lying if I said I din see it coming. I really dun know how to react to it when I first received her sms. I did not reply her immediately in case I said sth rash n upset her even more. I tot it over for a few hrs.

This is the 2nd time she is disappearing from me. I guess she must have met eric yest. I asked her a couple of times where she going but she always avoided answering. No wonder her response became so lukewarm last nite. Somehow I predicted our Wed date wun happen. That's y i tried so hard to get her to promise to meet me on Wed. Nonetheless, what wun be eventually wun be.

Regardless of what, princess: "it's ur happiness, that matters, most of all". If it requires me to take a step back, i will do it. If it requires me to only show my concern silently, i will do it. If it requires me to be a fool, i will do it.

I really think this song suits us.

She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore

Its not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye
Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Happy Birthday Princess

Today is princess' birthday. However, i din plan anything for her. In fact I haven heard from her the whole day, though i did sms her twice. She din reply though. I keep feeling that sth is amiss. I can't really place my finger on what's wrong, but sth seems to be not right.

I did meet her yest though. I went to her place to post her birthday card, n accompany her down to suntec for a wedding dinner. She looks gorgeous in a black tube n black pants. I feel so happy just being with her. Everytime when we were together, things would seem to go really fine. But when we r chatting at nite on the phone or msn, I could somehow sense some reluctance in her. Maybe I'm imagining things.

We r supposed to go out tomolo. I wonder if the date still stands, having not heard from her the whole day. Our relationship is like a candle in the wind. It could be there 1 moment and vanish the next. Just a blink n everything could disappear.

Where Is The Peace?

Whatever happened to peace? Currently its non-existent in my life, n i think it will continue to be absent for the next few mths to come. Haven been in this much emotional turmoil for quite some time. Somehow i see some resemblance in what's happening now with what's happening in 2001 with Weiling. What's with me n weilings?

I had dinner with princess today at Causeway Pt. After that, we walk from Woodlands to Admiralty. Along the way, she kept asking me if I am going after her. I really dunno how to ans her. I only kept quiet and gave some irrelevant ans.

She called me last nite, crying. She was supposed to have supper with him. She asked if i'm sad when she told me she's meeting him for supper. I just said no. Was I happy when she called me, crying? I dun know either. I knew sth must have gone wrong when I saw her name on my hp. But I can tell from her cries that she still likes him a lot a lot. Probably more than she ever would like me. But what could I do? I could only lend my shoulder, lend my ear, lend anything that she might need from me. Isn't that the role that I shd be playing now?

On thur nite, she accompanied me to study at her void deck thru-out the nite. I wonder y she is willing to accompany me to study. It was an outrageous idea in the first place. I went over to her place at 3am in the morning, after studying with hanxi in sch. She accompanied me to study thru the nite and I went for my paper the next day without any zzzzz...

I'm At Peace ; My Love Is Limitless

I've nv been good at handling affairs of the heart. I'm overly impulsive, not able to take a step back and look at things and tend to do things on impulse. I handled the matter with princess very poorly as well.

I've sort of come to a decision, well, can't exactly be called a decison, but rather i've come to terms with what's happening, and right now hopes to be at peace with everything. Now i can feel what hanxi is feeling mths back when he's still bothered over caizhi. I've not been this much troubled by a gal since min left me for marcus 4 yrs ago. I tot I will be able to control my emotions after that but who knows. The feeling of finding love again really got to me. So much so that i really let go of all inhibitions and love unconditionally. But its an illusion after all. I dun blame anyone, apart from myself. For not being able to see things clearly.

If she'll like me, eventually she will. If she wun, no matter what i do wun help also. I really got to take a step back and live with it now. No matter what decision she makes, as long as she's happy will do. I'll just do my part to make her happy. My love is limitless.

Thank you hui and jasmine, for talking to me n hearing what i have to say. Thank you xuanhu for letting me see things from other views. Sorry to everybody that i have troubled cos of my inability to handle my life well. Thank you princess for making me really feel loved.

A Fruitless Wait

I waited for u the whole day today.
I waited till 930pm.
I called but u din ans.
I sms but u din reply.
I dunno what's going thru ur mind.
I dunno what's happened since yest.
I dunno how u r feeling now.
I dunno what's ur reason for lying to me.
But I do know that I feel for you.
I do know that I want you.
I know you can feel it as well.

She Lied To Me

She lied to me. She has a bf. All the while I have the feeling that it's too good to be true. Well, guess i'm rite. I'm back to square one once again.

I dunno what i'm feeling now. Disappointed? Definitely. Angry? Maybe. Sad? I keep telling myself not to. I'll nv bow down to this kind of setbacks ever again.

But how do i pack up my feelings and move on? Everything was still oh-so-nice just yest. I bought her a sunflower. She bought me chocs. She told me how she wished she had known me earlier. I pretended that there was no hidden meaning. She told me she doesn't want a relationship now. I pretended that there was no hidden meaning too.

But somehow i knew. All the while I knew. I knew there had to be a catch somewhere. I just dun wish it to happen. Pretended it was all going to be just fine. Pretending that this is all really happening. Pretending that i'm going to find love again, after all this while.

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I played the game but to my real shame
You left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be but I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown

Pretending that you're still around

Musical Fountain

The date with princess went well. We arranged to meet at Harbor Front MRT, and incorporated a mini game in the meeting. I'm suppose to find her at one of the 4 exits A,B,C & D without her telling me which one. I finally got it rite on the last try, as she chose the most ulu exit.

We went to watch the performance at the musical fountain in Sentosa. The foyer was packed with audience for that nite (tourists from HK or Malaysia i think). Din expect there to be such a turn-out. It was a half hr performance, and after that we tried walking to the beach area. However our pathwas impeded by numerous fenced-up area due to construction. Finally we took a bus to Siloso Beach. We had some food at the Sakae Sushi located at Siloso Beach. It was so sparse at nite that I wonder y they even bother to operate. In all there were only 3 couples eating there, n i dun expect anymore to turn up either.

After dinner, we strolled all the way down to Palawan Beach where we checked out the 2 towers at the Southern most pt of Southeast Asia. She wanted to see stars but it wasn't a particularly starry nite that nite. I can't even manage to spot 10 stars for her. We shared a kiss at the top of the tower. On our way out, I think she wanted a stroll by the beach. Fearing that we might miss the last bus out of Sentosa, I suggested otherwise. Finally we took the bus out n i accompany her on the cab home. Thank you princess for the wonderful date. =)

I Called Princess!!!

On fri nite, I called princess for the first time. Actually, she sort of ask me to call her at nite when we were still chatting on msn in sch. So I decided to sacrifice my 1 hr of bikini babe time on chn 8 and call princess instead. It's been some time since i chatted with a gal on the phone. The first conversation was still alrite, with just a bit of awkward pauses in between. But all in all, I lost none of my old magic. =P

We chatted in english mostly thru-out but I find that she's effectively bilingual too. Her voice was a bit of a surprise to me though. It sounded a bit sultry, slightly low pitch n seductive. Not the girlish giggly voice i had expected. Our conversation lasted not very long, but it was a good start nonetheless.

I called her again last nite n this time we had a long chat, from 11+ till 4+ in the morning. She asked me to guess her birthday date n i got it rite on the first try. Bingo! 16th of Nov. Fate? hehe
She wanted me to cook for her on our first date. For that, I actually consulted mum on how to cook rice n today i learnt how to make pork cutlet n fry an egg. What's happening to me?? haha

We arranged our first date on the coming fri. She wanted to catch the Musical Fountain performance at Sentosa. Which wasn't too hard a task. Now the countdown to the big day begins. However, I haven heard from her all day today. She's suppose to take her hp for repair, which i think may be the reason y she did not reply my sms n call. That sounds like a likely reason, but in my mind I keep having negative tots that she's gonna play me out after all.

I really hope that this can be a new start for me. So pls let her be real.

1st Driving Experience

Had my first drive after I got my license. Went back to sch to study at 12am on wed nite with Hanxi. We park at canteen B n studied till abt 2 plus then pack up. After that I did the driving on the trip home. Was quite easy since no cars on the expressway also, but still got a bit of jitters. And with Hanxi beside me with his non-stop comments doesn't help much either.

Meiting called me yest, asking if i know fo any good private driving instructor. She stopped for a yr after she failed her tp a 2nd time. The way she fail her 2nd try came as quite a shock to me - she drove the entire test inn 2nd gear!!!! I can imagine what Hanxi would say abt it had he heard this. Even I couldn't really comprehend, how her instructor nv warn her abt not changing to appropriate gears. Anyway, I advised her to switch over to learn at BBDC, but i think the change of policy at BBDC would mean it's much less trainee-frenly than private instuctors.

Last nite as I lay on my bed attempting to get to sleep, I tot of asking princess out on the coming sat. I wanted to call her n talk to her, haven talk to her on the phone b4. Dunno whether it will be too rush, with only a day's notice. Most prob she wun be free also. And what's gonna happen when we go out? Will everything go nice n smooth as I had tot? Will we have probs regarding communications, frequency, etc? To put it simply, can we click?

Haven gone on a date that puts me so much on my nerves for a long while. I'm scared it wun be the natural me that turns up, and I end up have to put on a false front or sth. It usually happens when I attach too much significance to the date.

My Princess

I've been talking to princess everyday for almost 2 weeks already. I feel myself liking her gradually, so much so that I've slowly no longer hope to see ebby online.

But somehow, deep inside me, I have a feeling that she's gonna play me out 1 day also. She still refuse to give me her number. Maybe i'm paranoid due to what ebby did. Princess seem quite genuine, but so was ebby.

Anyway, I wun be able to ask her out for abt another mth or so. What happens during this time still remains to be seen. But nomatter which is the case, I've prepared myself to deal with the worst case scenario.

2046

I went to watch 2046 with Lewis today. Can't exactly say i like the show, but neither do i dislike it. Its another of those kind of artistic chinese movie, without a plot and ends suddenly, leaving pple with their own interpretations.

Well, actually part of me thinks the show is crap, while another part sort of appreciate the meaning the show. I guess its the right-brain versus the left-brain again. All along I've actually been more inclined towards arts n literary subjects, but ever since JC where i decide to go into science stream have I became more of a man of numbers n figures.

Now i'm sort of like a neither-here-nor-there person. Guess that makes me a better person also.
Science novels always interest me, like those by Michael Crichton n Dan Brown. But Dan Brown mixes in his novels a great deal of historic informations of arts, which makes it even more alluring for me.

Rude Awakening

Feel rather lousy today. Well, finally what princess said convinced me not to put too much faith into online relationships. Sort of like a rude awakening, from the past few weeks where I was gaga over ebby, and recently princess.

It's strange how i seem to be more interested in online frens than in the real pple ard me. I guess that's where the sense of novelty come from, pple whom I have yet to meet. Anyway, I think I sort of woke up already, after what princess told me.

Now life's seem a bit more monotone, though nothing's changed, just that i no longer have the feeling of anticipation and hope, to see someone online.

Something Stupid

This is for u ebby.

If I ever date u.

Something Stupid

I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time
to spend an evening with me
And if we go to someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance
you won't be leaving with me

And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
and have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
like "i love you"

I can see it in your eyes, that you despise the same old lies
you heard the night before
And though it's just a line for you, for me that's true
it never seemed so right before

I practise everyday to find some clever line to say
to make the meaning come true
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late
and I'm alone with you

The time is right your perfume fills my head, the stars get red
and oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
like "I love you"

Ebby, Irene, Princess, Eye Candy

It's almost 6am in the morning, and i'm stoning in fron of the comp. Felt awful after watching yi tian tu long ji last nite. A bit like hangover like that, feel like my head's falling off my shoulders. So i tried lying on my bed n here I am now, awake at 6am in the morning.

Tried submitting the M141 project thru edventure just now but the damn thing keep hanging. How the fuck they expect us to do a proper online submission if the damn sch server keep giving us such probs? Vivi msg n said the same thing, guess i'm not the only one having probs.

I was staying in sch lib to study again on fri, n again I saw my eye candy. Seems like she too is staying back almost everyday, but she's with the Shawn Yue everytime. Seems she has also started to notice me, cos we just seem to pass by each other so coincidentally. I think my luck's at work here again. Do I really have this kind of luck??!! Anyway, maybe shd try to give a smile or sth the next time we see each other.

Princess went Bangkok over the weekends, kinda missing her a little. She invited me to view her online photos. I wonder if we'll ever meet up. I guess not in the near future, when the exams r imminent. Maybe during the holz can go out. She seems like a rich gal, can just go Bangkok for shopping trip, and used to having bf who drives. Is this putting some form of pressure on me?? I wonder y it shd bother me. =

Caught ebby online while I was in lib on thur. She read my mail when i told her that i mailed her. She was on her way out for jogging then, and told me we'll talk abt it when she's back. I dunno what to expect from her, another laughing-it-off and ridicule me session?? I think that's most prob what will happen, I shdn't expect too much from someone like her, isn't it? = Anyway, she told me irene's broken up with her bf. No wonder haven been seeing her ard these days.

Eye Candy

Today I saw my new eye candy in sch again. She's wearing track pants n a white spag top. She has got to be one of the prettiest gal i ever see in ntu. Her eyes are really captivating.

The first time I saw her was on the mrt. Can't remember which stop she boarded, shd be along the north-line. Then we took 179 to sch together n when i alighted at the canteen A bus-stop but she din, i deduced she must be from NBS. But then subsequently I saw her in North Spine a lot of times.

Met her another time when I walked to sch after tuition at Terence's place. That time i saw her outside the comp shop, walkign towards canteen B wth another gal.

Another time was in canteen A, but that time she was with a guy. This ugly version of Shawn Yue lookalike. Saw them together a few times after that. I presume he must be the bf, though they just stop short of holding hands.

Anyway, till now still has NIL info of her. Dun know her name, her fac, her year, dun know whether attached or not.

I guess it doesn't really matter also. Eye candy will always be eye candy.

Fundamentals Of Heat & Mass Transfer

I slept thru the M492 n M462 lecs today. In my bed. And i skipped the whole of fri lessons last week. So much for being a renewed guy after the sem break. Still skipping my lessons like last time, if not more.

But seriously, who can understand lecturers like Li Lin & Kim Wangdo. Not to mention the suspender-man.

Finally bought my first textbook of the sem. Or shall I say finally have money to buy my textbook. Fundamentals Of Heat And Mass Transfer. Spent 3 hrs in the lib to cover what is sufficient to do tut 1. How efficient.

Been smoking a lot lately. Sometimes will have craving for a smoke when i'm out of cigs. This doesn't look good.

Think I better see less of vivi from now on. This is getting nowhere. No more dyeing of hair.

A Week Of Waiting

a week of futile online wait.

its been a week since i last talk to u.

think i'll go crazy soon if this carries on.

I even tot of going down zouk to look for u tonite.

y am i so distracted by u.

i dun understand it myself.

i'll wait.

Disturbing Dream

i had a hell of a dream last nite, or rather this morning, cos i think it was already morning time when i had the dream, though still sleeping.

I dreamt of min.

In the dream, i dunno where we were, but the scene seems like an airport. There was a man blaring on a mircophone in the background and we were in a sort of a lounge. I found her in a depressed state sitting on the sofa, with ice-cream on her face. She was expressionless, like how she always were after we quarrel.

I took out a piece of tissue n help her wipe the ice-cream of her face, n she started sobbing. She said Alvin found out that she kept a sms of mine which she did not know was sent by me. So apparently they had a quarrel cos of that n he left her in this state. I started crying also as i wipe her face, seeing how sad she was. The crying part seem so real. I could never bear to see her sad. I wonder if i was crying as i lay sleeping in my bed also. i suspected i did.

I never tot i could feel this much emotions in a dream. For someone whom i had wanted to leave behind n move on.