The Long Walk

There is so much to say yet I can only say so little.

The bitterness wells up in my throat as I walked, until a pt it becomes unbearable.

Hope brings forth Expectation.

Truth erradicates Expectation.

Bitterness follows Truth.

Hope; How I hate you.

The walk must go on.

I hope no more.

Dumb

Wake up. Don't be dumb. It's just wishful thinking. It isn't happening.

The Island

I'm just 5 mins into my hse n here I am seated in front of my comp, for I have tots abt sth that I wana pen down b4 I get too lazy to do anything abt it. I just watched The Island with Gillian at JP. It was a remarkably good show, despite the less-than-creative title. Hell, I think I'd go so far as to say its the best show I watched this year. The gist of the plot revolves ard 1 theme: human cloning. I remembered I wrote an essay on this topic for my A Level GP paper. N its sth that intrigues me a lot.

In it, Ewan McGregor plays a clone of someone living in the real world. All clones are kept in an undergrd facility whereby they await to have their organs harvested by their original counterpart shd their organs fail them. Their r termed as insurance policies, bought by the filthy rich. The clones lived without any knowledge of the real world, and the only thing they look forward to in ther life is to win the lottery, by which they would get the chance to go to "The Island", which was perceived to be a paradise lost. In actuality, winning the lottery simply means their owner's time is up (n so r theirs'), and they r abt to get their organs harvested.

The show is filmed such as to show human cloning in a bad light; the securities at the facility have no love lost for the clones, they pull a str face, strictly business for them. They laugh n jest as the clones struggle for survival upon knowing they will be killed. The mastermind behind the facility is unfeeling, unscrupulus. Clones r merely products to him.

So is it ethical to clone a human? More than often, Science has brought upon itself various morality issues. Subjects like the atom bomb, nuclear warfare, genetic engineering, etc. It was all made possible thru science. If I'm filthy rich n lying on my deathbed, n someone proposed to me the idea of cloning a new me so as to replace my failed body parts, would I be wrong to want it? If a clone of me is made for this purpose, is it right for him to want to break free of his destiny? Let's look at this, with regards to the idea of freedom to live. In both cases, I can argue for it with this idea.

For the host:
I am rich, n I do not want to die. I can afford to make a clone of myself. Y ain't I allow to do it?

For the clone:
I have as much right to live as anyone else in the world. If there's so much talk abt abt human rights in abortion cases, there shd be as much rights for my case.

So it isn't as clear-cut as in the show, where the cloning parties r portrayed as the villians. No matter what happens, it will always be 1 for 1. 1 must die while the other lives. (Sounds like Harry Potter & Voldermort here?) The scales would not be tilted. Yin and Yang. Black & White. Male & Female. The balance is always there. This is Gillian's view on the matter. So who's at fault? The host or the clone? Or maybe the scientist perharps, for even allowing this to happen. To quote a phrase from the show: "Everyone likes to eat burgers, but they don't like to see the cow." Really apt for the situation at hand.

Later on I had this tot. The host wanted a clone of himself to be created, cos he wanted to live. The clone after being created wanted to live as well. But wouldn't the original sin lies with the host himself, for it was he who wanted it. He should therefore be responsible for his clone as a parent is responsible for their child. Isn't a clone as close to an offspring as it can get? Hence, the host holds full responsiblity over his clone, including his sch of tots.

Finally, to note, science shd not be facing the issues of ethics n morality. Humanity shd be. Commericalization n military usually robs away any morality of techonology. The use of any technology borders on the intended purpose of the user.

Convocations

The past 2 weeks have been busy ones. I attended 4 convocations in all, including my own. Gillian on fri, Lewis on tue, Hui on wed and my own on fri. Was supposed to attend Shiyi's convo as well, but couldn't really get my bum off the bed that morning.

My primary role at Gillian's convo was bag carrier. Xinyi functioned as the official photographer. Her mum, aunt, sis n bro turned up for her convo. At that time I wondered if her mum n sis would remember me from 3 yrs back. They must be thinking this guy's really perserve or this guy's simply too thick to be after her for 3 yrs without success. We went out afterwards to orchard for dinner and then Indochime for some drinks.

Now for some gossips. I saw Hanqiang as we were walking along outside wisma towards indochime. His face was sordid and he waved me a casual hi n proceeded on his way. When we entered the live band section of indochime, I saw Queenie at a table with her ex bf. They were happily holding hands and cuddling n kissing. I put 2 n 2 together and figured Hanqiang must have just left from there. What bemused me the most was the lack of guilt on Queenie's face. She was happily carrying on her reverie with his old love while Hanqiang stalked off, face black as charcoal. This dun reflect too well on her I supposed, but who was I to judge.

Gals r heartless creatures. I experienced this first hand. When they found new love, they brush u off like a piece of dirt. The regrets come after a while, when the honeymoon period ended and problmes started surfacing. That's when they wondered if they would have been better off had they stayed with their old love. Remorse n guilt may have plagued her thru-out her new relationship but it doesn't help any cause now does it? The damage has been done. The pain is inflicted. It runs like an invisible scar across my chest, one that cuts right to my heart. Only those unfortunate enough to have experienced the same would understand the kind of pain that I felt at that time. It is beyond words.

She was the highlight of my life then. Everything I did, I did it for her. Every dreary mission n route march I undertaken, the tot of her keeps me going. To bk-out and see her every weekend. Every jump I took, I told myself I must not die because I gotta live to see her. I kept myself out of trouble as far as I could cos I treasure my weekends more than anything else. She was my world. She left. My world is no more. I died.

I ended up writing so much on the past when this entry is titled 'convocations'. Mustn't sidetrack too much. Back to convocations.

I attended Lewis n Ruimin convo on tue. It was my birthday as well. Everyone pretty much had their own programs to attend to. So ended up with Eugene & me going marina square in the meantime waiting for anyone else to join us. We watched Fantastic 4 which shd really be titled Fantastic 1 instead. (Jessica Alba being the 1 of coz) Lewis and Ruimin joined us for dinner after voyaging the sch for photo taking. Hui met us for dinner even later at marche and she brought the fabled Andru with her. That marked the simplest birthday I had these few yrs. Not much fanfare. Not much gimmicks. I'm too old for all these as well.

Next was Hui convo on wed evening. Hilda was there as well, and apart from her, no one else I knew. I saw my eye candy. She's from Biz, 1 yr my junior. It took me till her convocation to find out. Haha. Was with Hui and another guy from her Masters class who doesn't seem to like me a great deal.

And lastly, there was my own convocation. Since all the working personnel couldn't attend it, I asked everyone who could make it to not attend as well. Just a simple affair with my family. MPE convocation was split into 3 sessions. Pretty disruptive for photo-taking purposes. Ended up just took individual shots with whoever I could find on the spot. The nite was spent at a board game shop in Bugis by the name of Oasis. Eugene, Lewis, Ruimin and I was there till 2+ in the morning. I've got a good mind to ask Gillian with us sometime.

The Place

I was back at a place where I had gotten very familiar with, though I had absolutely no business there strictly speaking. I made frequent visits to this place in 2002 because of her. The frequent trips over to study, to accompany her, and even a confrontation. Well, I was back there again but I wouldn't have dreamt that we'd actually be back there together, even just half a mth ago. The places we went to brought the nostalgia.

The building where there's no hp reception and male/female washrooms on alternate levels

We were there once, n I was reprimanded for making her look for me while I waited for her to sms me after we visited the washrooms on different floors.

The canteen with the pink tables

Numerous times I have seen her sitting in the canteen during lunch time with her frens. Numerous times the conflict in my mind to go over and say hi n numerous times I always resisted.

The confrontation with Bamboo took place there as well. Xinyi was there as well n I even have to rope in Eugene eventually. Honestly, I din know she was going to be so upset over what I told her, to actually set up a confrontation. Bamboo must be cursing me so bad in his heart after that day, but honestly, I din meant it as a sabotage to his efforts to win her heart.

The incredibly coincidental thing is that we actually met Bamboo that day in the canteen. Nobody acknowledge anybody. He must be thinking: this fool sure is persistent. 3 yrs n still going on. haha.

The library up the sloping road

The place where I left her 3 years ago with a sad resolve in my mind. She was angry with me on that particular day, when we were supposed to study in the library. I tried all I could to make her happy. I drew her a smiley face with a silly smile which she told me b4 that it looked very cute, b4 I left for tuition.

That was the last time that we went out; in a long while. The strong resolve to work things out had faltered. What was left was a sad resolve. The sad resolve to back off. I knew that would be the last time I'm gonna see her. But I want to make her happy even if its the last time I'm seeing her. I'm the Great Pretender.

Slammed Again

This is the 2nd criticism I got in a while. So much for asking pple to comment. Oh well, say what u want, I wouldn't have penned (or rather, typed) it down if I can't accept verying opinions. But then again, the fact that it has to be penned down in this blog shd already tell that its controversial material.

Maybe because of the various names that appeared in this blog that pple would tend to think that i can like multiple gals. To list: Huimin, Michelle, Vivian, Huifang, Liz, Gillian, Vellene n God knows who else. Its true that I have a lot of gals on my mind. Its true that I am nice to all of them. But its not equivalent to me liking all of them. Maybe I shd make a stand so everyone wun be misleaded? I do not like a single gal now. So everyone's happy? No one's gonna slam me again I think?

Anyway, I decide to remove the pic of Gillian & me and replace it with another one for privacy reason. Reckon if there's pple criticising my way of tots, then I had better keep the gals identity under wraps.

Old Flame Week ; New Flame Week ?

Old flame week was good. Especially the date with Gillian. I dun understand how I couldn't seem to talk much with her in the past, cos this time it just seems so natural. Maybe its cos I've changed. Situation changed. Expectations changed. I was too conscious of myself as a suitor in the past. She had different expectations of me as a suitor in the past as well. I like the feeling we had on fri. I hope it will be like this forever. We went KBox at JEC, but I was kinda off-form. Couldn't hit the high notes that I usually could. We had jap food for dinner and after that, initially wanted to get her to join Eugene, Lewis & Ruimin at Holland V for games but the place is closing soon. I joined them nonetheless, for a miserable 1 hr of ice cream time at Swenson's.

Recap of old flame week: Sunday - Squash with princess. Friday - Breakfast with Huifang. (See, got jio u leh.) Friday - Date with Gillian. So that would make this week new flame week I guess. So far it seems to be true. Vellene asked if I wanted to catch War Of The Worlds with her on the coming fri. That would make 1 new flame date for this week, which of coz is still subjected to changes.

TODAY was another failure this morning. I tot the worst it could get was down to 4 guys: Lewis, Eugene, Mingyang n myself. But Mingyang decide to go ECP instead when we finally gathered at Harbor Front. So we had a grand total of 3 hunks at Sentosa, for predominantly sun-tan, and miniscule frisbee session. Well, at least it was an improvement of 1 member as compared to last sat at sentosa with eugene n me only. We just have to keep this up n by the 10th week we'd have 10 person. =)

IPPT due on my bday, which is approximately 9 days away. I guess I wun be booking it. Maybe can escape with a fine like Kailun. Worst case scenario would be RT session. ICT rd the corner as well. I had better find employment soon. No way would I wana go back for this one. Non of my mates r going back, save for Jinlong n Yang Wei I think. Ernest has 1 more sem, Nic still in NTU, Weijie has 1 more yr, Kean has 1 more sem as well I think.

Woe Betide The F**ker Who Stole My Bag

It took me 25 years to experience my first bag theft. Some fucker actually stole my bag at Lot 1 arcade while I had my back turned, playing the stupid army game. Items lost include: 1 large shower towel, 1 small face towel, 1 renoma sweat shirt, 1 asics running shorts, 1 crocodile underwear, 1 sony ericson earpiece, 1 black comb, 1 lighter, 1 M1 hp bill, 1 Starhub hp bill. Hopefully the bugger will help me pay my hp bills, or m i hoping too much? Well, all in all, no major losses. But still I will kill that fucker if i find him.

Yest was an eventful day. I went California Fitness gym with Ruimin, who got me a free 2 week trial membership. But b4 that, I have to endure an arduous 1 hr of the lady getting me to sign up. Then I broke my legs during the Bodypump class with the torturous squats. The squash session on sunday took my legs a lot more than i tot. Then we met up with Eugene n Lewis to watch Initial D at Lot 1 at nite. Which was also when I lost my bag. Well, Liz din like my bag anyway.

The squash session was ..... in 1 word, uneventful. The most amazing thing that happened is that nothing happened. This was the 1st time I seen Princess since that fateful nite when she pulled her disappearing act. We talked, we laughed, we played, and everything went smooth. But the flame is faint. I wouldn't say extinguished, but faint. I wouldn't say she is an unfinished chapter in my life anymore, the fairytale has concluded and we've moved on.

I'm meeting Gillian on the coming fri for War Of The Worlds. I think I'll label this week Old Flame Week. Meeting up with 2 of my past flames in a week. Any other flames wish to meet up this week??? After we concluded 3 yrs ago, I've only met n talked to her in person on a chance meeting on the train 2 yrs back.

Little Starry

starry

I met up with Liz b4 her flight on fri. We went ktv-ing at Lot 1. She told me she's got a new suitor now. I dunno how to feel abt that. The guy is working, drives n rides, showers her with gifts, n has been giving her a lot of attention and being very aggressive. But she's telling me that he's freaking her out. But then again, who can believe what gals said? She might not be really feeling that way. Gals. Incomprehensible creatures.

I gave her a plushie soft toy starfish which she called starry. (See above) She seem to like it quite a lot. I seldom give her presents, save for beanie and starry. Actually sometimes I wonder how she feels abt me. At times, she will call to talk, or even ask me to meet up. Is that a sign that I'm just like a buddy-buddy pal or is it an indication that she likes my company n can progress to sth more? I dun seem to fall in any category that she classifies her guy frens. I'm not close enough as a pal, nor in the same league as her so-called freaky net guy frens she met up with.

Anyway, min visited my Multiply page. I wondered what took her so long, I must have visited her page like weeks back? And the only photo album that she took interest in were the one captioned 'My Leading Ladies'.

A Page From 2002

My replacement pic. I tried my best ok...

A photo that brings back a lot of memories. That time was nearing the end of my attempt to go after her. She told me that it was kinda imposssible for us to be together but I was bent on trying to make it work. I still remember the kind of renewed vigor I had, upon deciding that I shall give whatever I have to try to make it work out. The kind of 'I shall overcome all obstacles' feeling.

I told her that we look very compatible in the pic. I said it not just as a passing remark, but cos I really do feel that we look very nice together in this pic.

Finding The Balance

Right now I'm trying to find back the balance in my life; emotional balance, in terms of affection for gals. The cause of my recent disturbance would no doubt be Vellene. Her appearance actually caused my interest for Liz to diminish, which I think is not such a bad thing as well. Liz has too much life already. She has programs for almost everyday of the week. Had my interest level remain as high, I would have died waiting for the day when she's free to go out with me. We meet up like once a week, n I find it quite satisfying for now.

Sometimes its quite ironic how fast or sudden things and situations change, unexpected events happen which catch us totally off guard. Prior to last sat, everything was still going kind well. I'm still one of the guys she eager to chat with online, till the sat she met up with her visiting Taiwanese frens. Who would have expected that a whole grab of Taiwanese guys came instead, let alone 2 of them to be interested in her, and the worst part that she sad be interested in them. I mean come on, they dun even speak English! n she's a potato somemore. So suddenly I became someone she talked to when she's free. The 2 guys r taking up all her time online. I feel especially irritated when she put her nick in Chinese. It's as good as telling me she's happily chatting with them. Up to a pt I dun even wana msg her when I see her online. All the talk abt meeting up, it's not going to materialize anytime soon. Even if it is, I dun really want it to be now as well. The significance wun be there when she's still crazy over the 2 Taiwanese.

A note to all the clueless gals (Blackie) out there, those who are bewildered by the number of gals' name that appear in my blog: this is the kind of life that every single guy out there is leading. It is mathematically not possible for a guy to be only involved/interested in only 1 gal at any moment in their life. Dun even try to kid urself that it is possible, or ur bf is ONLY interested in u. Note: the term 'interested' is loosely defined. But this is not to say that all guys r fickle-minded. The difference lies in the degree of priority that these gals have in the guy's mind.

Well, just got niao-ed by Blackie for having so many gals' name mentioned in my blog. Hard as it might be to believe, I would also rather have fewer gals who r involved in my life. Preferably just one. That would be sufficient. The one. But who is she? Or rather where is she? I gotta get back the neutrality in my life first, for me to be able to know.

The Final Farewell

The final farewell came on the 31st of May. 2 days earlier than expected. And I have done it again, although with much help this time I suspect. Cleared my final sem. Weeks of worry came to an end finally, and I even had a B for my FYP. I really have Ah Seet to thank for this. The moment of truth was revealed on a sunny tue afternoon. The sight that greeted me got me momentarily stunned, b4 the relief and ectacsy set it. I have finally graduated. The immediate feeling was kinda indescribable. The closest I can get to describing it is that: At that moment, I feel like I can take on the world.

I've done it again for the final time, pulling it off again. The only smear on my record would be I failed M363 in yr 3. And of coz the fact that I only got a 3rd class honours. I remember my dream when I first stepped into NTU, that I would graduate with 2nd Upper honours. That dream soon faded into an expcectation of 2nd Lower honours at most, which further faded into a reality of 3rd class honours. I guess I only have myself to blame for that, cos I really din kinda slack off in my 3rd and 4th yr. Too much distractions.

Sometimes I wonder if Liz had ever read my blog, and she just kept quiet abt it. Act blur. Haha. Up till now, I'm still taking it easy regarding her. We're still going out, ard once a week at least. Just that my interest level seem to have taken a dip. That can be credited to the emergence of Vellene, but I've yet to meet her. Nothing's conclusive after I've actually seen her in person I guess. And maybe cos of Michelle too?? We been kinda close these few days. The other day, she came to CCK to meet me for a while b4 going down to orchard. We took a photo with my hp at Mac, and she had her head on my shoulder. At that moment, she felt so much like my gf. But she disappointed me the other nite. That's all I have to say. Her way of thinking, is really disappointing.

I had a rather heartfelt talk with Gillian the other nite. We seemed to be able to talk so much better now. It might be because I've changed, or maybe it's cos of the fact that I'm not after her, so there isn't a need to put on a front and I can be free to say whatever I'm feeling. She expressed that she is appreciative of my efforts when I was after her 3 yrs ago. Well, the tot did cross my mind, that if I had done the same things today, the outcome might be a different story. So might this set the stage for Andy-Gillian part 2? I'd be lying if I said I din tot of it, but then a tot remains a tot until it's set into action rite? For now, let sleeping lions lie.

The Childhood Sweetheart

This entry is dedicated to Huifang, who has been demanding to have her name mentioned in this silly blog. See how I played her in the last entry? Whahaha. Ok, now I better come up with a decent entry abt her b4 she decide to quit her job as my sexy secretary. So I will relate my life story abt her now. Whahaha. Warning: the following stuff is gonna sound extremely childish. Can't be blamed cos most of it happened 12 yrs ago?

Hmm.. this gal, I have known her for 12 yrs altogether now. Though it wasn't constant contact thru these 12 yrs. She kinda disappeared from my life after sec 3 n reappeared only a couple of yrs ago in 2002. Here's how it started:

The year is 1993. The scene is the old BP campus, inside class 1A.

Sujing: what do u think of that gal? (pointing to huifang) Her name is Song Huifang.

Me: not bad loh, y leh?

Sujing: I think she's the prettiest in the class, I'm going to go after her.

Hence I started to notice this gal, whom many regard as the class belle. (Though vehemently denied by Yibao, who insisted that Xiumei is the best) Every morning when we make our way to the class from assembly, Huifang would pass by our seats in order to get to her seat. I started the usual teasing commonly done by pre-pubescent teens. So whenever she walked pass, I would call her "Sujing de ma zi". Sujing would then retaliate by calling her "Minghua de ma zi".

The kind of interactions that we have at that time r mostly the childish sort. Like during the time b4 assembly, where the guys n gals will be sitting with their cliques at the assembly ground. At that time, Ruili revealed that he likes Guat Yee. So we would do things like drop his wallet to the gals, n do stuffs that makes use of the pretext of Ruili liking Guat Yee to talk to Huifang. Every evening after sch, I'll make sure I get to the bus-stop fast, just so that I can wave goodbye to Huifang who's taking bus at the opposite bus-stop.

It was after the mid-year exams that we had any kind of more proper interactions. Sujing n I made silly bets like who can get to know her exam marks n such. So every evening after watching the 7pm show, I would call n chat her up. It wasn't exactly what u would call constructive conversation. Just the kind of kiddish banter that u would expect of 13 yr olds. Well, things seem to simmer down after the sch was relocated to its new premise at CCK. By this time, the whole class had kind of acknowledged that I was Huifang's primary suitor. Somehow, Sujing's status as a suitor seemed to have evaporated. It was kind of a bittersweet feeling, that classmates would all tease me abt her, painting the illusion that she n I r a likely couple. But only I myself known that she has yet to shown any form of positive signs abt me. Gradually I did realised that she doesn't like me. But yet I have to take the constant teasings by everyone, having to smile n laugh just to bring over the awkwardness of the moment, knowing that she does not like me. The heart-wrenching feeling, not many pple understood at that time.

1993 came to an end without much fanfare. However, I tot things had changed for the better come 1994. This yr remained as the freshest n most memorable times I had of sec sch. Cos it seemed every thing that's significant for me took place in that yr. The frenships that I had; the clique had grown. Sujing, Nose n I became known as the 3 Musketeers. In time to come, Longjia joined the clique as well, with Raymond, Ruili n Yibao occasionally joining us too. The 2 most impt gals to me at that time - Huifang n Xiumei. The feeling in the air of that era. I could still smell it sometime. It's hard to imagine that was already more than 10 years ago.

Thru sheer luck, I ended up sitting beside Huifang on the 1st day of sec 2. Thou technically speaking, my table was combined with Huiqian's, with Huifang's table seperated by a walkway. Well, I thought heaven might be trying to tell me sth, but putting me together with her again. It turned out to be ntg more than wishful thinking. Sec 2 saw the forming of the 3 Musketeers, which would eventually lead to my downfall, when we introduce Nose to the fray. I went thru a yr of sometimes liking Huifang, sometimes liking Xiumei. I guess I kinda got distracted after Huifang's birthday.

I gave her a heart shaped music box, to which I din really get much reciprocation but a 'thank you'. Got kinda disheartened after that, and I was moved to sit beside Xiumei on the 2nd week of sch nonetheless, making me in proximity with her more. The yr went by, numerous ups and downs, n in the end the outcome was more or less clear to me. It would turn out to be Nose. Somehow, Sujing had managed to talk to Huifang and uncover who she really likes. I suspect he told Nose but he nv told me abt it. But somehow, Nose would pretend that he didn't know. This got me pissed. To be in the unknown. And during the dec holidays, they stopped contacting me. No more do they call me up to talk, or to go out. Now Longjia has joined the group, and it was no longer my gang.

Fine if it were to turn out this way. I would not lower my pride to just join in like what Sujing did. Join the victor. That was how he always behaved. Be part of the 'in' group. Hence that signalled the end of the frenship that we had built up for the yr. To fall out over a gal might not be the best way of ending a frenship, but it has made me see the heart of these pple whom I called 'friends'.

Bingo Again

Well, well, I wan new developments rite? I sure got them. haha. Not in a favorable way though. I asked her out for sushi yest, and she agreed initially. But abt midday she said she gotta attend her good fren's graduation thingy, so had to turn me down. Well, I was fine with that. I mean I dun think I make it anywhere near to her good fren level yet.

So ended up I went down Zouk with Eugene where they hoisting the FHM Top 100 Sexiest Women Countdown. It was mostly a stare at the project screen and clap affair, with only a few of the local starlettes showing up. Zouk's member section was a star-filled area after that, with cythia koh, ann kok, jaime teo, rachel lee, joey swee, denise keller, maia lee, margaret lee, etc being there that nite. I met Val again there as well.

Y did I sidetrack to talking abt Zouk? tsk tsk.. mental lapse. haha. Well, to cut a long story short, let's just say my suspicions were confirmed. (U asking what's my suspicions rite? U just gotta refer back a few entries) Well, partially at least. After what she told me today. So y do I say it's only partially rite? Well, cos he is somemore from her past, n not someone new. I dun really know what i'm feeling when I was chatting with her. A bit of deja vu feeling, sth like "hey, din this happen to me b4?" Listening to someone I like talk abt someone she likes after he's upset her. It definitely upset me at first. Her reply of "yes" cut into my heart when I asked her if its abt someone she likes. But gradually, I started talking to her like how I would talk to any other gal, as in someone I dun have special feelings for. I dun think she has any special feelings for me yet, but at least she doesn't mind hanging out with me. For that i'm glad. So is anything going to happen? That's sth I dun have the ans for, someone else does. I wun know the ans till I make clear my stand.

I know u all r gonna ask me abt this if u all read this, but can u all pls dun? I dun feel like talking abt it yet. If I wan to say it, I will.

And finally......
Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang Huifang

The End Of All Shit

Last fri officially marked the end of all shit from ntu. (hopefully) Had my FYP presentation that day. It was a rather simple affair actually. Just a half hr presentation to Ah Seet and another moderator guy. The moderator appeared as a nice guy initially, I managed to ans his queries as he pop qns halfway thru the presentation. However, towards the end when he qn me abt some of the mistakes in my report, I was unable to come up with a reasonable excuse. (they r real mistakes after all rite?) Then he appear to get a bit niao. Ah Seet helped out sometime though, interupting at the correct moments to utter some crap when he sense i was stuck with some qns. He also did say that my 2nd draft was a major improvement over the 1st draft, which was kinda reassuring to hear.

Had a jc class dinner after my presentation on fri. Despite my long absence in class outings, still manage to get on pretty well with the bulk of them. Among those who showed up are Lewis, Eugene, Jon, Clarence, Weian, Ben, James (though he only joined us for deserts), Yiling, Shuling, Hilda, Candice, Ga. James is getting married at the end of the yr, n Hilda will be tying the knot next march. Huijun already ROM last yr. My peers are getting married, yet it seems that i'm still a far way off from that stage. Some of us went to jurong hill after dinner and desert, just for the usual class outing hanging out crap that we used to do last time. Sat nite was spent clubbing with Eugene, Weian, n his 3 gal frens at mdm wong. It was basically a spend money-for-nothing nite, as there wasn't really any kind of incentive for me that nite.

So all in all, it sounds like i'm leading a fulfilled social life now ain't it? Wrong. Lizzy. Y aren't I spending time with Lizzy? Isn't that the most impt aspect of a social life? love-life. I like her, dun I? Or do I? Maybe only time will tell. The last time we were together was on last Mon when I accompany her to study at Harbor Front. Then on the eve of her last paper on thur, she said that she fell sick. I sms her a couple of times, but she only replied occasionally. Of coz I dun expect her to be as lively when she's down with fever. So had a couple of days where we kinda din contact much. I miss her sometimes. Well, only time will tell.

Official Unemployment

"The moment the invigilator says 'Please stop writing', it would also mean that....... u r officially unemployed."

This was what Prof Phee said.

But for the now, I would jump at the chance to be unemployed, than to go back for another sem. The latter seems like a more probable case for now. Even with only 4 modules, I still manage to screw it up. Dun recall any other sem when I can barely do half the paper for all my modules. The past 2 nites I've been studying deep into the nite cos of the backk-to-back papers on mon n tue. At times, I feel so frustrated with myself. I had the whole sem to study for it and yet there I was, rushing like mad just to finish as much of the syllabus as possible. After that, what's left is just to psyche myself up for the paper. Mental strategy.

FYP presentation next fri. Last hurdle to clear. May will be a mth of uncertainty. Is it time to ste into the next phase of life? Or another half a yr of sch to go? Actually I'm more or less mentally prepared even if I have to stay another sem. Take it as a kind of break; a haitus for myself. My uni life have been so rushed, everything comes and goes in the blink of an eye. But of coz I'd much rather do without that. Strange to say but I feel ntg significant after the paper, which is supposed to be the last paper for me.

Met Vivian at the mrt station b4 the paper. This is likely to be the last time that I'm going to see her for a long time to come. No more sch, unlikely to ask her out, no ntg. All good things must come to an end. I guess this is it. Gotta move on now.

I bought sth for Liz today. Just sth simple and interesting. After that day at harbor front, I started to think that there might be other guys on the scene. Or rather, another guy whom she might be genuinely interested in. I din just say this out of ntg, its cos of the little little details abt her that I observed. She din let on abt anything either. Maybe I'm paranoid again.

The Additonal Sem

As the days wear on, the possibility of the additonal sem seems to be getting more n more probable. This tot is really scaring me, but at this pt in time, there is pretty much nothing I can do abt it. I screwed up my FYP, I din prepare adequately even for my 4 modules this sem. The 460 and 487 papers din really help in reassuring me. Am I being paranoid? I mean I have screwed up some papers b4 n ended up passing. Maybe this paranoia is just because of the fact that it's my last sem? I certainly hope so. But only I alone knows how ill-prepared that I am for this sem. Being only left with 4 modules, I kind of took it too lightly for this sem. The first half of the sem was spent still dazing over Princess. After the sem break was when I start to work, but it was all on my FYP. Now with 495 and 463 imminent in 2 days, what can I pulled out from my bag of tricks?

The supreme confidence that I had, when dealing with my uni exams. Can that really help? I dare say that no one walks into the exam hall with more confidence than I do, given the amount of effort I put into my studies. This has somehow sustained me over the past 3 yrs, cos I believe that everything is mental. Approach the exam as though u r the best in the world. Heck even if u really know nuts abt it, but its the attitude that makes the diff: believe that u know, believe that u can do it.

Maybe its just cos of the little bit of smart that I have. Somehow pple ard me all has the notion that I am always capable of pulling it off. Michelle says she always has full confidence in me. Huifang says she believes in me also. But does anyone know how far gone I am this time? Regardless of that, I will just continue to believe in myself. If I shd die, I will go down fighting. But I believe in myself. I'm crunch. I always make it when it counts.

The Legend Of Cloud Strife

It started with Cloud in 1997 - the era of IRC. Everybody has internet. Everybody chats on IRC at nite. Except me. There was even a class channel in IRC - 97s16. Still remember the nicks of the pple, some of which exists till today; Autumn, Angel, Velocity, Popiah, Natural, Lelawala, Sherman, Sael, Simple, Racer, Kramer, etc. This was where Cloud was born. It was derived from a number of idealogies. I wanted to be as unpredictable and unfathomable as the cloud. As free and unrestricted as the cloud. N as an aftertot, angel lives among the cloud. This tot was very significant back then. Remember, the year was 1997.

Cloud lived on thru IRC to ICQ. In 1999, the meaning of Cloud took on new meaning. I was enlisted to the 1st Commando Battalion - the elite of the SAF. I had my PS at that time too, and I was playing FFVII. Cloud Strife appear as the main protagonist. A loner of few words, leaving behind his hometown to join Soldier, the elite force. He tot he made Soldier 1st Class, but in fact he din. He din make it to Soldier. I din make my mark in CDO as well, I choose to take the easier way out by joining HQ. So many similarities. 2 Clouds, both joined the elite, both din make it, both tough it out to the end.

Y not Squall Leonheart of FFVIII? Y not Zidane Tribal of FFXI? Y not Titus of FFX? He doesn't have the good lucks or attitude prob of Squall. He does't have the wit and cheekiness of zidane. He doesn't have the boyishness and righteousness of titus. He has the silent and kickass attitude of Cloud Strife. Hence Cloud Strife evolved.

The Carrot Heads

The days of guts n glory r here again. But sad to say, the revival of the good old days also brings forth another revival. Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to the brand new season of "Singapore Cai Tao"! Guts n glory comes with a price. The cai taos r back in action. I shd have seen it coming, the day when Lallang Lai spent over a hundred bucks for April on V-day. Mind u, this is Lallang we're talking abt. The nick Lallang doesn't come without meaning. Even if we shall be cai taos, he will no doubt be the most thrifty cai tao. haha. He set the standard when he accomplish the feat with a Harry Potter owl costing ten bucks.

But for the moment, Lettuce Lee is still the premium cai tao in the league. 80 bucks musical coming up for him. Good luck. Well, as mentioned previously, all strategies change as time passes. N at this stage in my life, being a cai tao shd no longer be held in as high regard as previously. I wouldn't mind spending on the gal I like, pampering her, surprises, etc. What's more I'm abt to exit student-hood. So money, by rite, shdn't be as much of a problem as it used to be. But then again, sometimes it's the mentality of gals that gets to me.

Sth sad happened 2 days ago. I was on 67 with Eugene on the way to his Farrer hse when the bus got involved in an accident. A biker was killed when he lost control of his bike n somehow got into the way of the bus's rear wheel, where his head was crushed. (I learnt this from Liz whom read the papers) At that moment, we alighted n what I saw was a guy lying motionless in the middle of the road in a pool of blood. It really gave me a bit of the shivers as I looked at his body lying motionless. The horrors of bike accidents. Giving me 2nd tots abt my dream of riding.

The Midnite Movie

Ok first thing to declare: my comma button is spoilt. (Is this sounding like michelle? hehe) So i shall use ";" as a replacement for my commas. Y is my comma button spoilt? cos i'm on bro's old lappie. N y m i on the lappie? Cos my comp decide to die on me. It just refused start the nite after i'm back from NUS. Of all the good time to die it must choose now when I have to correct the damn FYP. Now i can't access my Solidworks n my parts all in the comp. Sch Solidworks is 2001 version somemore. This is not suay; this is gan pua suay.

Anyway; after the plea for comments; in the last entry; I got a grand total of ............................1 !!!!! N it's from my good old bro again. So anyone whom I knew read the last entry but din comment (read as: hui); I will kill u personally. Anyway she seemed pissed just now; when i suggest she dun go for anymore platonic dates.

The comment centered on 1 idea: Guts & Glory. It's been a while since the guts n glory days of the past. haha. After so many yrs of woo-ing gals; all the strategies have been changed and amended to keep up with changing times. But 1 rule still remains: No Guts No Glory! Otherwise read as No Guts No Gals! Well I still dunno if its time for the revival of the guts n glory days; we shall see oon I suppose.

We went for a midnite show at orchard last nite. By midnite I meant 2am actually. Well it was a sat nite and spending it at home would seem such a waste. Though I've spent numerous sat nites facing the comp screen for the past yr; maybe it was becos I hadn't met Lizzy. It's been a while since I knew a gal as crazy as I would have like her to be. I like the spontaneity in her. I was in NUS the whole day but din hear from her till I was on my way home. She called n said she's bored with no programs on a sat nite. So I suggested a midnite show in town n she dun mind. So we went to watch the Pacifier at Orchard Cineleisure; and hung ard after that till abt 5am in the morning. So much like the crazy days of hanging out with min last time.

The Long-Awaited Comment

I finally have someone leave me a comment!!! wahahaha... After all these while. 5 mths of blogging without a single miserable comment!!!! Haha... anyway, I think there is at most only 10 readers of this blog. So how to have comments if everyone also dao like me. heh heh.... Prove me wrong k? Everyone who read this entry, pls write sth for me. keke =P

Ah Seet finally pull stunt on me liao. Email me on the day b4 his departure to take back my FYP for corrections. So I missed the email, n ended up taking my FYP back just 2 days ago. I want more details! The structure is wrong! Not engineering enough! Too many pictures! And 460 paper in 11 days' time. How? How? How?

I met the speechless gal. She's interesting. She's fun. She's unique. She's speechless.

The Contradictory Blogger

I find that rite now, i'm actually silently protesting against the very reason for the start up of this blog. Well, originally it serve as a outlet for the pent-up feelings that I had at that moment in time. Some place for me to just let it all out, since I dun really talk to my mates abt my stuffs. It's good that I still have the blog which i can relate my feelings to and at the same time, my mates could actually read it n find out what's happening in my life, or rather, my inner life. That is if they actually bother to read it. haha.

So whats the protesting all abt then? Mainly cos I dun wan to get IT jinxed by talking abt it. I was even reluctant to tell anyone that we're corresponding. So who r the 'we' that i'm talking abt? haha. Not telling, i'll remain speechless. haha. And then also if anything can ever happened between us in the future, I dun wan her to find out abt this blog of mine 1 day n say 'Aha! u got it all planned from the start!' cos I really dun have anything planned, or targeted or aimed.

I think I've changed. Still remember not too long ago in the distant past, I'd would have jumped at the opportunity of knowing someone like her. As in eager to push things forward and make things happen. Rite now, I'm actually pretty laid back n natural abt it. Not that I'm purposely trying to prove a point by being less-than-enthu or anything, just that at this moment in life, I feel that this is the best way to go abt handling matters of this nature. Well, pple learn n pple change. So there really isn't too much of a point to live by principles. The only principle I have is "There r no principles".

I think its her frenly nature that have brought her scores of frens-to-be, both virtual n in reality. N she seemed equally as easy to be freaked out by them as by the ease that she attracted them. Freaky undergrad indeed. haha. So y m i saying all this? Whats the main pt that i'm coming to? Well....... the main pt is..... I wan to talk abt this gal here without it sounding that I like her. But then, I do like her a bit, although I haven seen her yet, n if I wanted any gal in my life now, I would prefer it to be her than any other gal. Well, not too convincing that I dun like her rite? haha. Well, so be it. This is the best way that I could put it.

I dun think she knows abt the existence of this blog, or if she does, she certainly doesn't read it. So keep the secret, all of ya k ? thanx

The Ex Boyfriend

Min sms me the other day.

"Hui min here. We have not been talking for so long already. Dun u think we shd be frens again? Sch annual dinner this year."

She sms me with her new hp number, which I have deleted from my list. She's no longer using the old number which i have committed to memory. Maybe it symbolises a break from the past. My number, her number ; it seemed so linked together. She's no longer using hers, I'm still using mine. Even though I got a new number, I think I'm going to keep my old number for yrs to come.

I dunno how to reply. Heck, I dun even know how I feel at that moment. I'm quite numb, but not totally numb. What the hell do I mean by that ? haha. After digesting what her sms was asking of, I came up with 2 tots:

What happens if I say yes?
We'll add each other to msn n frenster, say a occasional 'hi' online if we feels like it. And that's abt it.

What happens if I say no?
Nothing changes. I dun get into her life, she doesn't get into my life.

So can anybody tell me the difference between the 2? In the end I did not reply her. She'll take the lack of response as a silent 'no'. But y did I choose to do that? It's not because I hate her for getting married with alvin. No doubt I'll nv agree that that was the smartest of moves. But nothing will change now that things have come to such a pass. I dun blame her, I dun blame alvin, I dun blame michelle. If there's anyone I wan to blame, it will be myself. I was stupid enough to risk a stable relationship for some fun, then I'll deserved whatever that I'm getting. But I'll not look back and regret what I've done. Dun ask me if I were to choose again, would I follow the same path I took. I dun entertain hypothetical qns.

Min, u r happily married. Dun look back and try to look for the ex bf who once lived in ur heart and broke ur heart. Not as a fren, not as a anybody. Treasure what u have now, and dun let anybody spoil it for u. You'll always be special to me, you'll always have a place in my heart. It is for the best for both of us to just let it remain as that. I have to move on. You have found ur guy, I'll be looking for mine.

The Speechless Gal

Hanxi pointed out to me that in my previous entry I stated that 11th of March marks a few incidents, but then I only mention my FYP. Must be too eager to log off that time. hehe. So what other events r there?

Well, it happened to be min's birthday. Though it wun mean anything to me ever again, I doubt i'll be able to forget the date. I did not wish her happy birthday also. Oddly coincidental, it is also Jasmine's birthday. She told me in her last msg that she's getting married at yr's end also. We used to talk abt meeting up 1 day, guess it's not going to happen, somemore if she's getting married.

More to do with birthdays. Liz's birthday falls 2 days b4 that, on 9th of March. She made a cute request on the nite of her birthday while I was chatting with her online. She wanted me to sing her a birthday song. Thus marks the 1st time that we chat on the phone. Well, turns out i'm the 6th person to sing her a bithday song. = So much for significance? haha. We chat for quite some time, n subsequently for the next couple of nites. She asked me to sing for her. haha. The only other gal that I've sang for is Gillian. I used to approach her with the same caution I had as with Gillian, but not anymore. Maybe cos they're both from NUS.

Eh.... I think I shan't talk too much abt this, dun wana jinxed it. Things have a habit of falling apart after I start shooting my mouth off. And anybody who read this entry, pls dun say or think too much abt it ya? lalalala ~

End Of FYP

11th of March 2005. Today marked a number of significant dates. Firstly, its the deadline for my FYP first (and prob the final) draft. I finally got it all together in the morning, and handed in to Prof Seet. Here's how it goes:

Me: Prof, here's my FYP first draft. So what happens now that I've submitted the first draft?

Prof: Eh... well, usually students will do up their project and hand it in... blah blah blah (abt to launch into some long speech which is irrelevant)

Then I quickly cut in

Me: .... I mean will u be asking me to do any revisions to my project or anything like that ?

Prof: Oh, I'd have to actually read thru what u have written first (u mean u r not going to do that???) b4 I would know.

Me (stumped look): .....eh..... ok, so just inform me if u need me to do anything with my project.

Somehow he made me feel as if he's not really interested abt my project, sth that can be chucked 1 side and he'll pick it up n read it when he's really free or sth. Well, if he's as relaxed as it seemed, hopefully he can be as relaxed with his marking as well. But regardless of anything, this is the end of 1 yr of SHIT!!!! Hahahahahaha!!! For the past yr, there's not a moment when I can take my mind off the project, constantly nagging me in the back of my head. Bloody ass. Holiday mood now. lalalala ~

Fly Aeroplane Fly ~

It seems like i only blog whenever i feel surging emotions. Blogging was the furthest thing from my mind the previous few weeks, maybe cos life's been rather monotone. I spent at least half the sem break slacking away, occasionally doing my fyp n spending a miserable day trying to catch up with my work in nus with eugene n yvonne. But horror awaits me at the start of sch - M460 project due on sat. gulp! = Really din put in too much effort in mastering ANSYS, cos always relying on vivian. Wasted 2 days of shit n stress trying to churn out a fucking report. N after that, a greater terror looms - FYP first draft. gulp! gulp! = Its amazing i still find time to blog now with the imminent deadline exactly 1 week away. I'm even thinking of going home later to watch the Lakers vs Mavericks match later at 1130am.

Ok wait, so where m I now? N how has the first line of my blog deviate to talking abt sch work? Since when has sch work ever given me any surges of emotions? haha. Ok, now for the facts: i'm in sch currently and the time is 9:58am and its a saturday. Normally I dun even go sch on fri, so y m i in sch on a sat??? A lot of question marks encircling ur head now? hehe. Well, someone flew my aeroplane again. Hmm... so what's new? It's the 3rd time already, n i'm keeping count. How many times must I kena put aeroplane by her? So m i pissed abt it? I dunno what i'm feeling now too, partial disappointment n partial relief. I've a urge to give her a piece of my mind, but then again, just forget abt it. Not say i dunno her pattern, but then, she shd exercise some responsibilties over what she said rite? But either way, i would have to come sch today, or so I tot.

Got a M460 project to hand in rite? Yeah, rite n wrong! Now, on to complaining abt sth else. I wana screw all the NTU admin personnel. I was in sch on fri in the evening to hand in the project, reach CAD/CAM lab at exactly 5:25pm. The buggers there actually lights off and lab locked already. N its supposed to close at 5:30pm. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm gonna kill all those buggers. Worse still, i gong gong think i can go n hand in today, but the lab's not open on a sat ~ So effectively speaking, i've just come to sch for nothing today. Well, what good fortune i have. Maybe I can round it off by meeting some hot babe in sch today. At least makes my time in sch worthwhile yeah? haha. I wish....

Some new interesting happenings in my online life recently. Well, of coz there r closures to other stories also, interesting characters like irene and ebby. Recently came across a frenster profile by the name of madeleine, and the photos she displayed r actually photos of irene n ebby that they have shown me. As in they r the same person. I noticed the uncanny resemblance the first time they showed me too, so now just proves the point that someone's faking it. I met irene online just yest, n she vehemently denies any faking. I'm not really bother who's faking who, since its just online frens at the end of the day. If u see me online, i'll chat with u, that's all. Well, welcome to the virtual world. Hmm.... so whats the interesting thing i'm talking abt? There's this new interesting gal, who's abt as elusive as ebby n irene. Only concrete thing which she reveals that i can check up on is that she works at a particular shop in heeran. Well, was telling her I might go down n check her out today, but guess depends on my mood later in the day.

Sometimes I wonder y m i nv romantically involved with the gals that r ard me? And saying that I have many gals ard me is an understatement even. The closest that i've ever gotten involved with someone in ntu is probably michelle or vivian, or maybe shiyi back in days of yr 1 n 2. Somehow I seemed to subconsciously seperate my uni life into 2 phases. Pre - huimin phase and post - huimin phase. It seems I became another person after our 2nd stint together. Now i seldom see michelle in sch, still been seeing vivian as often if not more, n mostly been seeing khim n chris cos always hanging in the lib after sch to do work. N what do all have them have in common? boyfriends. I guess that answers the qn I post on the first sentence of this paragraph.
Sth that I've always been reluctant to do, is to go after a gal who has a bf. Too much effort needed for results that has a high percentage of not going in my favor. Well, so how come other fuckers can snatch my gf in uni? Fuck again.

I think I've almost regain my neutrality in life, where i'm not constantly having someone on my mind. Maybe still have a soft spot for her somewhere deep inside. If not, what's stopping me from blowing my top everytime she puts my plane? Well, anyway, I find that it's in this kind of state of neutrality that I've been my most attractive. Love comes ur way when u least expects it. It's been proven true b4, so let's see it happen again now.

What To Blog.....

Hmmm...... not really in the blogging mood for the past many days. Why??? Maybe cos of the lack of things to talk abt, mainly the lack of any gal problems i would say. So is that a good or bad thing? Seriously i dun mind things the way it is now. No one in mind, but i'm actually happy. Just hanging out with my mates. Seems like the BC is offcially back in business again (not that it was ever gone with Jon in there). Princess n me are no more, Eugene n Lorraine r pretty far apart too, and now Lewis n April seems not too not in too good a state, judging by Lewis' state in recent days.

Excellent start of the yr I would say. hahaha. Well, at least now that we're all back to zero, it can be a new start too. Though i'm sure the both of them would rather hold on, but think i'll be moving in the alternate direction. I'm moving ahead, full of hope for the new yr. This yr will be a yr of change too, stepping into a different society. Finally leaving behind the sheltered school life that I've been living in for the past 14 years.

I saw Irene's pic on another gal's frenster profile. Her name was Madeleine. This shd put an end to the ebby n irene saga. They nv were real, imposters. No wonder it's been ages since i saw them online. But whoever's behind this really gotta be too free, to actually impersonate 2 person while chatting with me. That's it, i'm no longing trusting any online personnel.

Have been taking peeks at the infamous xiaxue blogspot recently. She makes a pretty darn good blogger too, with the ever interesting sex topics which she can blatantly talk abt.

1 Present = 1 Point ?

Eugene told me abt this theory recently. That no matter how much ur gift cost, u will score only 1 point with the gal. So for any occasion, whether u give a waist-height mashimaro, a cheapskate harry potter owl hedwig, a pathetic tatty teddy bear in a box, or a ice-cream stick hse, u r still gonna score only 1 point for that occasion. Sounds like a good theory to follow rite? haha. Well, this is for all the cheapskates out there. (me included, haha)

Today is Valentine's Day. I restrained myself from doing anything for anybody. Dun ask me what's the point, it's just sth I wana do for this yr's v-day. Self-restraint. To not get myself involved with anyone for the time being. But the ever-romantic (or rather carrot-like) romeo in me always try to induce me to part with some money to invest in some surprises for someone who wun bother with me.

(Note : these r the ideas I have in mind at first, but by the time that i'm writing this means the times have already pass for any of it to take place. So its all fictitous. Occurs in my tots only)

The first idea was to send flowers to her place, i've got her address anyway. Then while at lot 1 with lewis last nite, I saw Phantom Of The Opera OST, n tot of buying it for her or for myself even so that I can burn the songs for her. We had a talk the other nite, on the phone this time. It's been a while since I heard her voice. Somehow i'm not as fluid as I used to be when talking to her this time. She has moved on long ago, n there r new guys in her life already. It's really hard to appear nonchalent abt it as we chat, hard to hide the tinge of disappointment. I think she sensed it as well, as our phonecall ended not long after that.

The immediate feeling is of coz fucked-up. But as I tried to gather the anger and bitterness within me, I found that I couldn't do it. I actually felt happier to give her my blessings, to wish her to find her happiness again somewhere, to see her finally undo the knot in her mind. This is sth which I found very hard to do in the past, to give my blessings. So maybe there is some truth in the saying that if u love someone, u only want them to be happy. Right now I only want to see her overcome her knot in her heart. A quote from adeline's frenster profile, "You being to accept your defeats with your heads up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child." I would like to say this to everyone else in the world who facing any setbacks in their lives too. I think I've grown again.

Eugene just called. To summarise, we r in the same boat again. Welcome to the club! We've just renewed our memebership with the BC.(Bachelors' Club) Several times we tried to tender our resignation but it seems we r so invaluable to the club that they refuse to let us withdraw. So we'll just have to keep jon company for a while more. (btw, jon's a lifetime member =P) Anyway, tonite's the make-or-break nite for lewis also. Somehow I think he'll succeed. 1 less member for the BC. =)

Chinese New Yr

Start of a new yr, at least according to the lunar calender. The time of the yr where u r suppose to make new yr resolutions. The time of the yr where u r supposed to go bai nian, see ur relatives whom u only see once a yr yet still have the cheek to take angbao from, and listen to them marvel at how much u have grown, as if u r still growing any taller for the past donkey yrs.

Well, at least I was happy this CNY. I recall vividly the past CNY. I spent the whole day sms-ing min, persuading her to come back to me. It was a lousy feeling. Really lousy. No way m i ever going to feel that way again. Moping the days away when everyone else r enjoying the festive season. I spent the most part of the day sleeping at grandma's place anyway. Woke up groggily and still made my way to Zouk after that. Joined eugene and his group of frens from US. Zouk was alrite, packed as usual, playing the usual retro mix. Unfortunately someone had to suggest Phuture. Had another of those nites where we trooped from Zouk to Phuture n Phuture to Zouk countless times. What's it all for anyway? Phuture sucks to high heavens. Had my fair share of drinking, Lamborghini, Sex on the Beach, some Sour Apple shit, n of coz my fave Gin Tonic!!! haha

The clubbing outing with weiling came to naught again. I wasn't very upset abt it actually, in fact I wasn't upset at all. Maybe just a tad disappointed. Cos I expected it to not happen anyway. The lesser the expectation, the gentler ur fall. True of coz. I've come to expect this from weilingsss. 'Nothing's ever confirm until she's physically standing in front of me.' Well, michelle kind of one-up her, the time she go clubbing with me but join other guy frens there instead. Though she nv put my plane b4, but what she did was still quite ultimate. Really piss me to the limit that time, haha. (Dun kill me if u happen to read this michi, =p)

I sense my weird luck at work again. Been running into a lot of pple the past week. Met xinyi at cineleisure when I was hanging out with eugene. The next day I saw gillian at Westmall when I was kopi-ing with hui. Then subsequently saw adeline when I was shopping at Suntec with vivi.
Too much of a coincidence? Just me n my luck. V-day approaching. Time to reclaim the rest of europe from the german army. Oops, that's D-day. =p pple asking me if i'm gonna chu any pattern, I have no ans to that myself.

Taken For Granted?

Am I always so nice to gals that I ended up being taken for granted? In a sense, yes. Maybe it can be attributed to my own chee hong ways, being especially nice to gals whom i'm hong-ing in the beginning when I just knew them. It's pretty amazing to look back n see how my companions in my uni life r 90% gals. I've been eating lunch with gals for the past few yrs in uni. I remember there was a moment in time when I was always helping frens (read as : gals) buy, print, photocopy, or source for notes. Whenever any gals asked for anything, i'll somehow reach out to all my sources and get a copy of it. Especially when the gal in question is j****.

Till a moment in time, it became like i'll only be contacted when assistance is needed. Not that I mind helping them source for stuffs they need, but sometimes I wonder if my efforts' appreciated. Maybe it has become like a norm to them ; Need something? Look for andy ; this kind of thing. That was during yr 2, where I got to know 4 babes in 1 sem. My 4 belles of MPE j****, c********, v*****, & m*******. =P Well, some of them have now been elevated to good frens status with me already, so there isnt really any feelings of exploitation. But still I wonder, is it worth it to be the nice guy? Nice guys finish last. They nv get the gals. As is evident in this case.

Feeling lousy for the past week. The events this weekend din help much. Last sat she told me she wanted to watch Phantom. I told her we could make it in time that nite if we took cab, which I dun mind. She said she'll think abt it, but din get back to me in the end. I asked her abt it again on tue n again I din get a reply. Till wed nite after the show's last screening, she told me she caught it on tue when I asked her abt it. Taken for granted? Yeah, big time. But then again, I'm not anyone significant to her fro her to have a resposibility towards either. What to do? Suck thumb, n tell myself not to be such a fool next time.

Kinda got played out by someone else today too, when I ask her whether if she wants to meet up for a drink. She said yeah, n would confirm with me later, but that's the last I heard from her the whole day. So what is this again? Just my luck. I dun wana spent CNY moping like what I did last year. Actually for the previous yrs, I've always spent CNY with a longing for someone in mind at that time. It was min in 2001, gillian in 2002, jiani in 2003 & min again in 2004. Let me spend CNY this year in peace.