Wednesday, November 24, 2004

FYP Fever

Back to FYP now that the exams r over. Finally I got some clear directions from Prof Seet regarding my FYP. First things first: interim report due on 29th Nov. Come up with the content page for the final report and the 1st chapter, consisting of the background, on exoskeleton. Next, come up with the prototype of the interface between the exoskeleton and the arm n back surface. Next, come up with the prototype of the mechanized movement of the arm, powered by a motor, incorporating the interface sensors in it. Finally, a theory paper on the fabrication of the entire exoskeleton arm. Sounds like a daunting task. Haven even started on the interim report yet.

I'm trying to numb my feelings now by engrossing myself in my FYP. Somehow it doesn't seem to be working very well. She's still not taking my calls and I haven seen her on msn for 2 days already. Must u really go to this extent?

Stuck in the lib now, trying to do come up with sth for the background on exoskeleton. I can't help but be reminded of the times when we corresponded on msn ever so often. I would leave my msn on while I went for lessons, and after lessons I will be so eager to go back to the lib to chat with her n see if she has left me any msgs. I guess those were the best times of my life this yr. Now I'm left with an emptiness in my mind, devoid of feelings for anyone except her.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

End Of Exams

Finally the exams have ended. I think I started studying too early this sem, start of Oct I started already. Plus the exam period spanned over 3 weeks. So all in all, the high stress period is almost 2 mths long. It was a bit too much for me to take. Finally rid of this burden today. Yet I dun feel any happiness.

I wanted so much to see her today. I wanted to share my joys with her, that the exams r finally over. She refused to see me. I dun even know when she will be willing to meet me again. Maybe never. How did things come to this stand? I really have no idea. It was still ok when I accompanied her to Suntec. Now it turned bad again. or worse.

Kit asked me to just occasionally leave her a sms. But I really cant bear not to contact her. So bad that the 1st day itself I already called her at nite. Yest I called her twice also. Once when I was studying in sch, n at nite when I was abt to sleep. Today I called her again, when I was in Clementi, hoping that she would meet me. I dunno if I'm overdoing it, such that she might really get sick of me 1 day.

My appetite hasn't been good the past few weeks after these things happened. I've nv been so affected that I can't eat. I remember the worst was when min left me in 2001, when I went without a meal for a day. I actually din eat for 3 days that time over the incident with eric. And recently on n off also been skipping meals for whole days, whenever I get affected.

Its 12+ midnite now. I din msg her tonite, n i dun think she will msg to tell me that she's home either. What's gonna happen eventually?

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Please Dun Try So Hard To Say Goodbye

Sometimes I can't help but be amazed by my gut instinct. I guess the candle blew out again yest. Today she told me that she wants to be alone for the meantime. I'd be lying if I said I din see it coming. I really dun know how to react to it when I first received her sms. I did not reply her immediately in case I said sth rash n upset her even more. I tot it over for a few hrs.

This is the 2nd time she is disappearing from me. I guess she must have met eric yest. I asked her a couple of times where she going but she always avoided answering. No wonder her response became so lukewarm last nite. Somehow I predicted our Wed date wun happen. That's y i tried so hard to get her to promise to meet me on Wed. Nonetheless, what wun be eventually wun be.

Regardless of what, princess: "it's ur happiness, that matters, most of all". If it requires me to take a step back, i will do it. If it requires me to only show my concern silently, i will do it. If it requires me to be a fool, i will do it.

I really think this song suits us.

She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore

Its not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay around
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye
Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Happy Birthday Princess

Today is princess' birthday. However, i din plan anything for her. In fact I haven heard from her the whole day, though i did sms her twice. She din reply though. I keep feeling that sth is amiss. I can't really place my finger on what's wrong, but sth seems to be not right.

I did meet her yest though. I went to her place to post her birthday card, n accompany her down to suntec for a wedding dinner. She looks gorgeous in a black tube n black pants. I feel so happy just being with her. Everytime when we were together, things would seem to go really fine. But when we r chatting at nite on the phone or msn, I could somehow sense some reluctance in her. Maybe I'm imagining things.

We r supposed to go out tomolo. I wonder if the date still stands, having not heard from her the whole day. Our relationship is like a candle in the wind. It could be there 1 moment and vanish the next. Just a blink n everything could disappear.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Where Is The Peace?

Whatever happened to peace? Currently its non-existent in my life, n i think it will continue to be absent for the next few mths to come. Haven been in this much emotional turmoil for quite some time. Somehow i see some resemblance in what's happening now with what's happening in 2001 with Weiling. What's with me n weilings?

I had dinner with princess today at Causeway Pt. After that, we walk from Woodlands to Admiralty. Along the way, she kept asking me if I am going after her. I really dunno how to ans her. I only kept quiet and gave some irrelevant ans.

She called me last nite, crying. She was supposed to have supper with him. She asked if i'm sad when she told me she's meeting him for supper. I just said no. Was I happy when she called me, crying? I dun know either. I knew sth must have gone wrong when I saw her name on my hp. But I can tell from her cries that she still likes him a lot a lot. Probably more than she ever would like me. But what could I do? I could only lend my shoulder, lend my ear, lend anything that she might need from me. Isn't that the role that I shd be playing now?

On thur nite, she accompanied me to study at her void deck thru-out the nite. I wonder y she is willing to accompany me to study. It was an outrageous idea in the first place. I went over to her place at 3am in the morning, after studying with hanxi in sch. She accompanied me to study thru the nite and I went for my paper the next day without any zzzzz...

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I'm At Peace ; My Love Is Limitless

I've nv been good at handling affairs of the heart. I'm overly impulsive, not able to take a step back and look at things and tend to do things on impulse. I handled the matter with princess very poorly as well.

I've sort of come to a decision, well, can't exactly be called a decison, but rather i've come to terms with what's happening, and right now hopes to be at peace with everything. Now i can feel what hanxi is feeling mths back when he's still bothered over caizhi. I've not been this much troubled by a gal since min left me for marcus 4 yrs ago. I tot I will be able to control my emotions after that but who knows. The feeling of finding love again really got to me. So much so that i really let go of all inhibitions and love unconditionally. But its an illusion after all. I dun blame anyone, apart from myself. For not being able to see things clearly.

If she'll like me, eventually she will. If she wun, no matter what i do wun help also. I really got to take a step back and live with it now. No matter what decision she makes, as long as she's happy will do. I'll just do my part to make her happy. My love is limitless.

Thank you hui and jasmine, for talking to me n hearing what i have to say. Thank you xuanhu for letting me see things from other views. Sorry to everybody that i have troubled cos of my inability to handle my life well. Thank you princess for making me really feel loved.

Monday, November 08, 2004

A Fruitless Wait

I waited for u the whole day today.
I waited till 930pm.
I called but u din ans.
I sms but u din reply.
I dunno what's going thru ur mind.
I dunno what's happened since yest.
I dunno how u r feeling now.
I dunno what's ur reason for lying to me.
But I do know that I feel for you.
I do know that I want you.
I know you can feel it as well.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

She Lied To Me

She lied to me. She has a bf. All the while I have the feeling that it's too good to be true. Well, guess i'm rite. I'm back to square one once again.

I dunno what i'm feeling now. Disappointed? Definitely. Angry? Maybe. Sad? I keep telling myself not to. I'll nv bow down to this kind of setbacks ever again.

But how do i pack up my feelings and move on? Everything was still oh-so-nice just yest. I bought her a sunflower. She bought me chocs. She told me how she wished she had known me earlier. I pretended that there was no hidden meaning. She told me she doesn't want a relationship now. I pretended that there was no hidden meaning too.

But somehow i knew. All the while I knew. I knew there had to be a catch somewhere. I just dun wish it to happen. Pretended it was all going to be just fine. Pretending that this is all really happening. Pretending that i'm going to find love again, after all this while.

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I played the game but to my real shame
You left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be but I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown

Pretending that you're still around

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Musical Fountain

The date with princess went well. We arranged to meet at Harbor Front MRT, and incorporated a mini game in the meeting. I'm suppose to find her at one of the 4 exits A,B,C & D without her telling me which one. I finally got it rite on the last try, as she chose the most ulu exit.

We went to watch the performance at the musical fountain in Sentosa. The foyer was packed with audience for that nite (tourists from HK or Malaysia i think). Din expect there to be such a turn-out. It was a half hr performance, and after that we tried walking to the beach area. However our pathwas impeded by numerous fenced-up area due to construction. Finally we took a bus to Siloso Beach. We had some food at the Sakae Sushi located at Siloso Beach. It was so sparse at nite that I wonder y they even bother to operate. In all there were only 3 couples eating there, n i dun expect anymore to turn up either.

After dinner, we strolled all the way down to Palawan Beach where we checked out the 2 towers at the Southern most pt of Southeast Asia. She wanted to see stars but it wasn't a particularly starry nite that nite. I can't even manage to spot 10 stars for her. We shared a kiss at the top of the tower. On our way out, I think she wanted a stroll by the beach. Fearing that we might miss the last bus out of Sentosa, I suggested otherwise. Finally we took the bus out n i accompany her on the cab home. Thank you princess for the wonderful date. =)